Expecting people to slowdown to accommodate you puts you in the wrong.So it's not so much "treating like a job" as "treating it like a daily commute"? That sounds worse if anything, jobs can be good, bad, or neutral depending on the specifics, but commutes just suck.
I definitely see the OP's point. Most people run quests a few times, or maybe once every X period of time, and take a break or do something else when there's nothing interesting to run. Since DDO is an old game most people have gotten their fill of most of the quests. That means that at any given time most of the server is made up of two divergent groups: newish people who are still experiencing the game for the first few times, and hardcore people who are in it entirely (or almost entirely) to achieve a goal (i.e. "treating it like a job/commute"). Doesn't take a genius to realize those groups aren't going to mix well.
Those hardcore grinders can make the servers look a lot more active than they really are because they're on all the time and use the PUG system pretty regularly.
If you're a more causal player you just have to accept that there are not a lot of people playing this game right now in a causal way, and that it's going to take time to fill casual style groups. You're best bet is to try to make friends who want to play like you do and plan ahead, just like real life.
For myself I have enough of an obsessive streak that I can get into the hardcore zerg when I want to PUG, but I have weekly times set aside with friends for more fun maximizing play. I'd rather my friends were on all time and we always played in that causal way (we're vets at this point so it's still elite streaks or EE, but at a more relaxed pace), but that's just not practical.