Cleanish D&D Jokes

[LeslieWest_GuitarGod]

KOBALDS.... PIRATES... LOOT.... MORE KOBALDS... WATER........FARMING ..... NEED REQUISITIONS.....lack of sleeep...... MORE BARRELS... BETTER NOT EAT RAT TONIGHT..... must be going craaaazy... need water... must tell jokes......!


So Yaaryar walks into the legendary Rook's Gambit, his old favorite - although he hasn't been there in a while. Immediately Vada Laga, the bartender on duty, notices him and says "Haven't seen ya in a while, where ya been? You look terrible!"

"Huh?" said Yaaryar, "What do you mean?"

"Oy, you've got a wooden leg! What happened?" said Laga.

"Well," said Yaaryar, "Our ship was in a fierce sea battle, and me leg got hit by a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"What about that hook? What happened to your hand?" again asked the bartender.

So Yaaryar explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into it with a warforged artificer with a goofy spinning ring around his wrist. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook... but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said Yaaryar, "One fine day at sea a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them sh!t in me **** eye!"

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh!t."

"It was me first day with the hook."

[LeslieWest_GuitarGod]

So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Confused, the bartender asks "Hey bud, why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

"I don't know" the pirate says, "but it's driving me nuts!"

[LeslieWest_GuitarGod]

A horc woman walked into the kitchen to find her horc husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

What are you doing, she asks. “ Hunting flies”, he snorted. “Are you gettin’ any of them,” she asked.” Yep, 3 males and 2 females”. Intrigued she asked, “how can you tell them apart?”. “3 were on a beer can and two were on the phone.”

[jmonty]

to kobalds walk into a bar.

the bartender looks up and says "GTFO."