So this Dwarf walks into a bar......

[Nysrock]

Durin Ironshield of the iron hills pays a visit to the Elven King of Mirkwood.

"Sir", says Durin, "We have decided to go to war with ye."

The elven king looks incredulous, but takes war seriously. "We? Who is this we?", he says sternly.

"Well, that would be me, me brother Thorin, his son Durin, our cousins Olin and Golin, and our pop Thrain."

"My good Dwarf, I have 1100 elves at my command that can be ready to move on a moment's notice.", says the king.

"Oh.", replies Durin. "Let me get back to ye on that."

The Dwarf leaves, but returns two days later.

"Ok king, I have rounded up two more cousins and we a few axes between us all."

"Sir Dwarf, I have 300 of the finest archers around, plus my royal guards are all spellsingers, armed with swords of sharpness."

"Oh, well, I see." The Dwarf lord thinks a bit. "Let me come back to ye."

And he leaves to return again in two days.

"Ok king, we have rounded up a few more swords and I think we are ready".

"You should know my good dwarf that I have since raised the size of my elven army to 1300."

"Ah hek!", and the dwarf leaves. He comes back the next day.

"Well king, I am afraid we have to call off the war."

"I am sorry to hear that. Was it the power of my elven army to changed your mind?"

"Nah, I spoke to all my kin and we decided that we just did not have the room for 1300 prisoners."

[Nysrock]

An Elf, Human, and Dwarf order a beer. When the beer arrives, a fly lands in each one.

The Elf shoves the beer away in distain.

The Human flicks the fly away and drinks the beer.

The Dwarf picks the fly up by the wings, holding it over his glass and screams, "Spit it all out you little *******!"

[Nysrock]

Why do dwarves have such big nostrils?

Look at the size of their fingers!!

[Nysrock]

An elven bard walks into a tavern and asks the crowd, "Who's dragon is that outside?"

An older gentleman, dressed in archmage robes stands up, and replies "Mine. Why?"

The bard somberly approaches the mage. "I regret to inform you that the halfling in our party has killed your dragon"

"What!" erupts the archmage. "Your halfling killed Rithvaeraradace. Slayer of the Elminster, Destroyer of Cormyr, Raider of Waterdeep, Ruler of the Dales, Thorn to the Gods, and Bane of all Toril! How did this happen!?"

The bard sheepishly looks at the archmage and replies "Well...the little guy got stuck in its throat!"

Moral: Always chew your food.

[Nysrock]

Why are hyperactive people so powerful in 3.5?

Because they have 80 HD.

[Nysrock]

[Nysrock]

[Nysrock]

Why do the elf males not grow facial hair?


What? and -not- be mistaken for a lovely woman?

[Nysrock]

What do you tell a half orc with two black eyes?



Nothing, he already has been told twice before.

[Nysrock]

A dwarf stands guard on a bridge and everyday a small halfling runs over , turns left and leaps off the bridge to great pain and injury. After a week of this the Dwarf stops the halfling the next time he runs up. "Whut da hell are ye doin, ya durn fool?" The halfling looks up at the Dwarf with a swollen eye and rubs his sprained wrist. "This cleric of Ilmater sold me this ring of levitation, and by gods I'm going to make it work!"

[Nysrock]

There were three men who were lost in a jungle, a human, an elf and a halfling. They were captured by the local tribe of catfolk cannibals. The cannibal queen told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the halfling, the human and the elf all went separate ways to gather fruits.

The elf came back and said to the queen, "I brought ten apples."

The queen then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one, the elf winced in pain, so he was killed and went to the great beyond.

The human arrives with ten berries. When the queen explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... but on the ninth berry, the human burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The elf and the human met in the great beyond. The elf asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The human replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the halfling coming with pineapples."

[Nysrock]

A horde of orcs is wandering through the countryside looking for towns to pillage when the chieftain spots a lone dwarf standing on a rocky outcropping atop a nearby hill.
The dwarf yells as loud as he can, "I am Bjorn Bjornson and I dare you to send your best warrior up here!"
The orc chieftain points at his best warrior and off he goes around the outcropping. The dwarf jumps down and the sounds of battle are heard. Seconds later the orc's head comes rolling down the hill.
The dwarf climbs back up and yells, "I am Bjorn Bjornson and I dare you to send your two best warriors up here!"
The orc chief points at his two best warriors and off they go. Moments later there are sounds of battle and then both orc heads come rolling down the hill.
The dwarf climbs back into view and yells again, " I AM BJORN BJORNSON AND I DARE YOU TO SEND YOUR 10 BEST WARRIORS UP HERE!!"
The orc chief waves and his 10 best warriors run around the outcropping. After a few seconds, all 10 heads come rolling down the hill.
The dwarf climbs bacl up on the outcropping and yells, "I AM BJORN BJORNSON AND I DARE YOU TO SEND YOUR 100 BEST WARRIORS UP HERE!!"
The orc chief motions and 100 orcs charge up the hill. The clash of weapons starts ringing down the hill and dozens of orc heads start bouncing across the ground.
Eventually, one orc comes running back down and starts screaming, "Boss, it's a trap! Dere's two of dem!"

[Nysrock]

Q. How many Half-elves does it take to light a candle?


A. Surprisingly only 1, it turns out that half-elves are good for something after all.

[Nysrock]

A dwarf and an elf step into a restaurant and sit at the table. The waitress asks if she could take their order.

The Dwarf says. "I'll take a 24oz steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire."

The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"

The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the steak too, and HE'LL LIKE IT!"

[elujin]

how many halfling does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?

two but how do they get in the lightbulb

[Nysrock]

An elf, a halfling, and a dwarf have found a genie's lamp. The genie tells them that it will give each of them one wish - whatever they desire will come to pass. The halfling scratches his head and says "Well, everyone's always killing my people. I wish we had a homeland of our own, where we wouldn't be bothered by other peoples." POOF. The halfling is gone. Then the elf makes his wish - "I wish my people were restored to the land of our past, to the glory of the old elven empire." POOF. The elf is gone. Now it's the dwarf's turn. The genie asks him what he wants.
"Er... `scuse me, but did you just teleport all the elves from this land?" The genie nods. "And all the halflings too?" It nods again. The dwarf nods sagely.
"I'll have an ale."

[Deathlos]

i demand MORE NOW!

[kratimas]

A dwarven skeleton walks into a tavern and says to the bar wench.

I need an ale and a mop!

[Rodasch]

A dwarven paladin, a human monk, and a half-orc barbarian are sitting on a hillside going through the spoils of war after a particularly invigorating battle. They've got the loot piled high in front of them and the bodies piled high behind them. Casually the half-orc barbarian picks up a vanquished enemy's helmet and after staring at it a moment, he glances to his two companions and says: "Trang bet he can throw dis helmet farther than Thorgar or silly monk!"

The Dwarf, not one to turn down a challenge, especially a feat of athletic prowess...and especially not when anything with orc blood claims it can do something better than him, states proudly: "Trang, ye're as soft of arm as ye are of noggin'. There's no way in the nine hells you can out throw a dwarf! How about we place a bet? Whoever throws the helmet further gets ta keep all the spoils to hisself, but the other two has to carry it all fer him back to town"

The monk, chuckling to himself says: "You both can surely hurl that helmet far, as your brute strength is formidable...but I have perfect form and have spent years honing my martial and athletic prowess to be without equal. I will take your bets and enjoy watching you carry my spoils home for me"

"You're on!" agrees the dwarf.
"Trang always wanted monk slave!" agrees the half-orc.

They agree on the rules of the throw, where they each get one toss of the helmet from behind the line of bodies, and they will measure the distance in half-orc paces (which was a sneaky way of tricking the half-orc into doing all the fetching after each throw).

Up first, the stalwart dwarf. He picks up the helmet and tests it's heft and shape in his hands...tucks his beard back out of the way so he can get a clean throw and lets rip with all his might and mass. The helmet flies with great speed and a nearly perfect trajectory...it lands in the distance with a mighty "CLANG" and the half orc takes off after it, counting out loud. 1...2...5...4...eleventy...9....etc....(luckily the dwarf and monk were watching him and counting along with real numbers). The Half-orc returns with a proud declaration of "Puny dwarf only throw helmet twelvety eight paces!"

"yes 128 paces," agree the monk and dwarf.

Next the half-orc steps up to throw...without even a moment's hesitation he hurls the helmet overhand like it weighed nothing at all, and it sails sloppily into the distance, propelled by sheer brute strength. As it lands, the sound is much fainter and the half-orc takes off after it again with a toothy grin and a bounce in his step, counting...(just as last time). He returns with a sloppy smile and proudly proclaims "Trang the mighty toss the helmet Fifteendy twelve paces!"...

"yes, 162 paces" agree the monk and dwarf....though the dwarf looks very unhappy about it.

"My turn" states the monk, and he snatches the helmet from the hands of the half-orc with lightning speed before the brute can even respond. He then closes his eyes and focuses his Ki and mentally pictures his throw and resulting win...suddenly, his stillness erupts with energy and he launches the helmet in a blur of motion. The helmet flies so fast the eye can barely follow it...it goes and goes and goes...finally lost from sight.

The half-orc takes off after it...days later, neither the half-orc or the helmet return, and the dwarf begrudgingly agrees to carry all the loot home for the monk, muttering "at least the stupid half-orc didn't win".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ten years later, the same monk invites the dwarf to be his best man as he is getting married to a wonderful woman who also happens to be a paladin, and she insisted on him having a "good influence" around during the planning of the bachelor party and such.

The plans for the party are suitably chaste and subdued (though with much drinking of ale!), and the marriage goes off without a hitch. The married couple takes a passenger cruise on the finest ship in the fleet to see the beautiful coast of Korthos. On the way across the waters, the wife returns to their room crying the first night...nearly inconsolable as she had lost the beautiful wedding ring of fine mithral, platinum, and diamonds which had been made for her by the great elven jewelers and bought at no small cost. The monk hugs her close and assures her that no treasure in the world, ring or otherwise, is more valuable to him than she, and that they will get her another ring in time. Perhaps even if she prays to her gods they might see fit to bless the marriage with a return of the beautiful ring as a sign of their favor.

The wife nods, still drying tears from her cheeks and locks herself in the room to pray. So as to not disturb her, the monk goes for a walk on the decks. The monk is walking about on the deck and spies the old captain sitting in a weathered old rocking chair on the bow of the ship with a fishing pole dangling off the side of the ship. Curious he walks over and strikes up a conversation.

"Are you the captain of this ship?" asks the monk.

"Aye, that I am...and I be fishing for a great legendary fish I heard about in these waters whose flesh is said to be the sweetest and juiciest of any fish e'er caught...to be a gift from me to the newlywed couple for dinner!"

Taken aback by the gesture, the monk exclaims, "What a wonderful gift, good captain, my wife and I would be honored to partake of this great feast, should the sea gods smile on you and fortune grants you a catch!"

Just at that moment, the captains rod flexes mightily, and the reel begins running out of line so fast it starts smoking. The monk jumps to his aid and together they real in a monster of a fish with gleaming pearlescent scales.

"Thar she be...twas luck and a blessing, and this surely be a good sign for yer wedded bliss!" exclaims the captain as he claps the monk on the back and calls for the ship's cook to come gather the catch for cooking.

That night, the monk tells his new bride the captain has prepared for them a special meal, and they head down to the galley to partake of the heavenly feast which was promised.

As they cut into the great fish to take their first bite, the gleam of metal greets them from inside it's belly....you'll never guess what was inside.























The helmet!

[coolpenguin410]

A dwarf, a human and an elf walk into a bar.

...

...

...

And the halfling walks under it.