So this Dwarf walks into a bar......

[sebastianosmith]

A Warforged walks in a tavern, goes quietly to a corner of the bar and stands stock still. Upon its head rests a withered, moth-eaten, one-eyed old owl. The barkeep takes notice but has several patrons to tend and has yet to make a copper on serving any Warforged a drink. After a few minutes the owl lets out with a deafening screech, wailing like the souls of the damned. When finally the mind-searing shriek is over and the bar patrons crawl out from under the tables, the barkeep rushes over and says "You've got to get the bird outta here. It's going to ruin my night."

With an almost imperceptible tilt of its head, the Warforged says "THIS UNIT REQUIRES ALE."

A puzzled barkeep replies "But, er, well... I didn't think you, ah, people, um, drink?"

The Warforged pulls a hefty purse from some hidden location and reiterates "THIS UNIT REQUIRES ALE."

"OK, OK", says the barkeep whilst eying the bulging purse, "I'll get you an ale but then you and that bird gotta go before it deafens us all."

Drawing his biggest flagon full of ale, the barkeep sets it down in front of the construct. As soon as the flagon is on the bar, down hops the crusty, monocular owl from the Warforged's head and proceeds to drain it to the bottom. When finished, it fluttered its battered wings in a flurry of foul feathers and alighted back on its previous perch where it closed its good eye and fell asleep.

"What", the barkeeps asks with a look of disbelief playing across his face, "the hell is that all about.?"

"THIS UNIT IS THE RECIPIENT OF A CURSE", replies the stoic machine.

"A curse?" says the barkeep incredulously, "What kind of curse".

"THIS UNIT MUST FOREVER AND IN ALL WAYS PERMIT AND MAINTAIN THE PRESENCE OF THE CREATURE NOW RESIDING UPON ITS HEAD." drones the Warforged with, perhaps, a small hint of regret buried in the waveform.

The barkeep rubs his stubbly chin and replies, "That's a strange one, alright. How did you come about having this, uh, friend of yours take up residence on your noggin?"

The Warforged, with an ever so slight re-tilt of it's head, says "A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING OCCURRED OVER THE PROPOSED OWNERSHIP OF SOME SALVAGE ITEMS."

"Ooooh", said the barkeep, "Tried to jack a wizard of some loot did ya?"

"THAT WAS HIS SUPPOSITION", replied the warforged.

"But where does the owl fit into all this?" said the barkeep, "And why in the name of the Lord of Blades did it drink all that ale?"

"THE OWL EMBODIES THIS UNIT'S FAILURE OF WISDOM." said the Warforged, "IT REMAINS A CONSTANT REMINDER BY EMITTING THE WAILING HEARD RECENTLY. IT DOES THIS AT INOPPORTUNE MOMENTS WHILE IT IS AWAKE. IT ALSO HAS A PENCHANT FOR ALE."

The barkeep nodded in understanding and said, "So, you're telling me that as long as you keep giving it..."

"CORRECT", interrupted the Warforged and continued, "OWL'S ALE THAT ENDS WAIL."

[Nysrock]

Two Rangers, Bob and Steve, are best friends and would always go hunting at the end of every week. Unfortunately, Steve had the annoying habit of falling asleep under his tree, forcing Bob to always have to wake him up before they traveled back home.

So one weekend, they go into the forest and part ways, Steve to his usual lookout, Bob to his favorite area. In short time, Bob finds a rather large buck and downs it with a single arrow. Well, the buck is rather heavy, so Bob goes over to Steve's usual haunt to get his help in dragging the deer all the way back up to their wagon.

But when Bob gets there, Steve is, sure enough, sound asleep. Rather than wake him up, Bob decides to play a prank on his friend. He goes back to the body of the deer, cuts him open, removes the deer's intestines, and then goes back to where Steve is and stuff's the deer's guts down Steve's pants. Then Bob labors over dragging the dead deer up to the wagon, but drag it he does. Then he waits.

Finally, he sees Steve walking up out of the forest. "Hey, what happened? I killed this humongous deer and had to drag him up here all by myself. Did you fall asleep again?"

Steve says, "Yeah, but I think this is the last time I'll be doing that. I had the strangest dream that I was being attacked by an otyugh. And when I woke up, I had the worst case of hemorroids ever."

Then Steve adds, "By the grace of Pelor and a sharp stick, I was able to stuff it all back up in there."

[Nysrock]

A fighter, a cleric and a wizard have been lost in the dungeon for days. They are out of food, they are out of water and they are pretty beat up. Then one of them steps on a switch and they hear a bell ring. Suddenly every creature in the dungeon comes pouring down the hall at them. They rush into the room ahead and find a wishing stone with three wishes in it. Overjoyed the Wizard quickly says I wish I was back in my tower with all the books of magic from this cursed dungeon with me to study! Poof. The wizard is gone. The cleric hurries up and says I wish I was back in the temple with all the holy relics from this cursed dungeon with me to study! Poof, he is gone too. The fighter steps up and is torn, does he want to be home with all the magic armor from the dungeon, or all the magic weapons? Dang, he says, I can't make up my mind, I wish the wizard and cleric were here to help me decide....

[Nysrock]

How many orcs does it take to sharpen a sword?
3. 1 to hold the sword, 2 to move the grindstone.

How many dwarves does it take to sharpen a sword?
3. 1 to sharpen the sword, 2 to put up enough of a fight to make it worthwhile.

How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
3. 1 to sharpen the sword, 2 to make a song so that they know whose sword it was 500 years later when the first gets done.

How many gnomes does it take to sharpen a sword?
1. But it only appears to be sharp.

How many goblins does it take to sharpen a sword?
Depends on the sword's size, amount of use, and if you can get those buggers to sit still as you drag a sword across their head.

How many half-elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
Surprisingly, only 1. They are useful for something after all.

How many halflings does it take to sharpen a sword?
You'd trust a halfling with your sword?

How many teiflings does it take to sharpen a sword?
Just 1. Well, all you really need are the horns.

[Nysrock]

What do you call it when a dwarf is thrashing about wildly trying to keep his head above the water?







Bath time

[Nysrock]

An elven wizard walks into a component shop and asks the merchant for a nice, ripe pound of brains.
"I have 3 different kinds," the merchant says. "Human, Dwarf and Orc."
"How much for the human?" the elf asks.
"8 gold." replies the merchant.
"Ah. Not bad," says the elf. "Dwarf may be a bit cheaper, eh?"
"Aye," says the merchant. "6 gold."
"Hmm.. nice. How about the orc brains?"
"600 platinum," says the merchant.
"600 platinum!!" exclaims the wizard. "Why in the hell are orc brains so expensive?!"
To which the merchant replies "Do you know how many orcs I have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"

[Nysrock]

Q: What's nine feet long, has six legs, and flies?
A: Three dead halflings!

Q: Why don't halflings plan for the future?
A: They're shortsighted!

[Nysrock]

An Archmage with a drinking problem has a brilliant idea: he animates his shoes so that no matter how stinking drunk he gets, the shoes will always be able to lead him home.

And for a month or so, this works wonderfully. But soon, he finds himself waking up in strange places - he begins drinking in Eversink and wake up in Gaunt, or the Underdark, or Sigil. Finally he realizes that the shoes had gotten bored with just going back to his home every night, and had become adventurers.

This won't do at all. He sells the shoes. They come back. He gives the shoes away. They come back. He opens a portal to Elemental Fire, and tosses the shoes in. They don't come back.

Soon the archmage starts to feel guilty. After all, he'd given the shoes life, and then casually destroyed them when they became inconvenient. So he searches out all the greatest clerics on the face of the world, hoping for some way to ease his guilt. Finally, a half-mad hermit tells him that he doesn't need to worry - the shoes entered the Seven Heavens immediately, and are enjoying eternal bliss.

Because it turns out, shoes have souls.

[Nysrock]

A guy wearing black robes and reaking of the grave walks into the tavern. Strangely the man is being strangled by a severed hand.

The bartender mumbles "We don't serve no death mages here..."

The guy in the robes gasps and mangages to wisper, "One drink..."

The bartender looks at the poor guy shakes his head and says "Ok, one. What will you have"

The customer says "Make it a stiff one" As he says stiff the hand seems to squeeze harder.

The bartender puts out a Mug of Ale. "Its pretty strong, made it myself". The guy in robes gasps "Stiffer!".

The barkeep puts out a Elven Wine. "Stiffer!" The guy in robes is starting to pass out.

The barkeep quickly runs to the cellar and gets a flask of dwarven whiskey. When he runs up the guy in the robes is on one knee.

The barkeep wants to honor this guys last request so he pours him a shot and hands it to the guy in robes. The necromancer pours it on the hand and it falls to the ground.

The mage regains his composure, throws some gold on the bar and leaves with the hand following behind him.

The bartender yells after him "That was amazing, what was that all about"

To which the necromancer says, "It takes a potent spirit to control the dead."

[Nysrock]

A human father has three little half-elven girls, and one of them comes up to him one day and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Rose?" to which the father replies, "Honey, when you were a baby, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Rose."
The second daughter comes up to him afterward and asks, "Daddy, why am I named Lily?" to which he replies, "Sweetie, when you were a baby, a lily petal fell on your forehead, so we named you Lily."
The third daughter comes up to him and says, "Gajfnkasjtgongodg" and the father replies, "Shut up, HillGiantRock!"
______________

A half-orc is in a Merchants Store and buying a some bottles of beer, some iron rations for one, some fashionable underwear, and some Mold Spice (The scent of the moment). The woman at the counter says to him, "So you're single?" The half-orc startled, replies "I am. You could tell that because of what I was buying?" She responds, "No, I could tell that because you're **** ugly."
______________

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to this beautiful amazon warrior, and tells her "I bet you 5gp I can touch your breast without touching your Chainmail Bikini." Intrigued, she accepts. He grabs her breast, says "I lose" and gives her 5gp.
______________

Q: What's worse than finding half a worm in an apple?
A: Getting attacked by a half-fiend ancient undead red dragon 20th level rogue with a medusa template over it
______________

Q: Why did the Deep Wood Sniper fall out of the tree?
A: Because he was dead.
______________

A Baatezu took his pet Hell Hound, Cuddles, to the vet's. The vet picked him up, looked under him, looked at his teeth, looked at his stomach, looked down his mouth.
"I'm going to have to put this dog down"
"Oh no! Is it that serious?" says the Baatezu
"No, he's just very heavy".

[Nysrock]

An animated Rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The 1/2 Orc bartender says gruffly: "We don't serve Animated ropes in here - now get out!"

Dejected the rope leaves.
5 rounds later, the rope returns wearing a bad disguise: one end has all the strands unraveled resembling a blonde wig, and the other end tied up in a bow.

The savvy Bartender is not fooled. Enraged he says: Hey! Are you that animated rope I kicked out of here just a few rounds ago?!

To which the rope smoothly replies: Nope, I'm a frayed knot...

[Nysrock]

A human, and Elf, and a Dwarf are captured by a tribe of cannibalistic barbarians. They bring the human out in front of the tribe, and the chief says to him, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"

The human replies, "Can I have my dagger?" They give him his dagger and he cuts his own throat.

They bring out the elf and say the same thing, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"

The elf says, "Can I please have my dagger?" So they bring him his dagger and he, too, cuts his own throat.

They bring out the dwarf and say the same thing. "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"

The dwarf says, "Yes, can you bring me a fork?" Confused, the barbarians bring him a fork, which he immediately grabs and begins to stab himself repeatedly all over his torso, muttering, "To Heck with your canoes!"

[Nysrock]

A man goes to a temple and brings his dog with him. A new member says, "You can't bring your dog here."

The man replies, "My dog Max is a member of this congregation," and helps the dog on with a holy symbol and religious vestments.

The high priest of the temple during the services asks Max to go up before the altar and do a reading of the text that they were studying last week. The dog reads the text aloud in its original language and offers up an interpreptation of it based on the views of several prominent scholars. The high priest smiles at Max and thanks him for his reading and lecture.

The new temple member looks at Max with awe, and whispers "He should go to seminary."

The dog's owner turns to him and shrugs his shoulders? "What can you do? He wants to be an archmage."

[Nysrock]

It was a quiet day in Barrowdale when two wandering friars of Obad-Hai walk into town. After a few days, they set up their flower shop on Main Street. They grow the best, most beautiful flowers ever seen this side of the Prime Material, and sell them for next to nothing. Within days all of Barrowdale's wives are buying flowers from the friars, and Pete Wilson, the local florist, realizes that he will soon go out of business.

Pete goes to talk to the friars and pleads with them to leave town. He says his children will starve, his sixth generation flower shop will close, his wife will leave him, and his dog will run away for good if the friars run him out of business. The friars bless him, but say that this is their duty in this life, and can't leave town.

The next day Pete timidly walks into the local ale house to find Hugh McMillian: the meanest, rottenest, hooten-tootenist muscle-for-hire in the land. Pete talks with him for a short time and leaves 20 gold pieces poorer.

The next day the friars of Obad-Hai go to their flower shop and find everything smashed, destroyed, and urinated upon. McMillian is standing in the middle of the wreck, walks up, grabs each friar by his collar, lifts them into the air, and says "If you two ain't gone by mid-afternoon, you two will be fertilizing these flowers back to health!" With that, he throws them across the room, and strides out of the shop. Needless to say, the two friars leave Barrowdale without a moment lost.

The moral: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

[Nysrock]

An Elven ranger was on the prowl for his next meal when he spotted a duck fly overhead. Quicker than the eye could follow, he plucked an arrow from his quiver, took aim and let it fly. Walking over towards the area where the duck fell, he spotted a Halfling who was stood over the kill with a light repeating crossbow in hand.
"Thats my kill" said the Elf. "That duck was flying perfectly well until my arrow brought it down. You just walked up to it now and shot it while it was lying on the ground!"
"Nonsense" replied the Halfling "You were facing into the sun and so you can't tell whether it was my bolt or your arrow that brought it down and it hurts me deeply that you could accuse me of such underhanded play. I suggest that we settle this the Halfling way"
"The Halfling way?" asked the Elf.
"Yes. We each kick each other between the legs and the last man standing gets to keep the duck"
The Elf though this over and after deciding that he was by far the fitter and the stronger of the two, that he'd win in such a contest.
"OK then" Said the Elf "You're on."
"Being as it's my honor that's been called into question I insist that I get to go first though" the Halfling demanded.
The Elf agreed that this seemed fair and braced himself for the full force of the Halflings boot. Sure enough, the Halfling took careful aim, backed up a few paces, wound himself up and landed an almighty blow between the Elfs legs.
The Elf bent over double in pain but with eyes streaming, stoically managed not to make a sound.
"Right then" said the Elf. "It's my turn now!"
"It's OK" replied the Halfling "You can keep the duck."

[TheSavage]

How do you stop a halfling from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

[Nysrock]

http://comedians.jokes.com/stephen-l...en-lynch---d-d

Not a joke but still a funny song.

[Nysrock]

[Nysrock]

[Nysrock]

http://www.bofunk.com/video/1214/dun...d_dragons.html

Another funny D&D related video.
(Yes I AM bored at work.)