DA RULEZ of PVP

[hityawithastick]

So you're certain that this irritating caster is fighting "unfair," or that the maniac KukanDokerMonk blitzing around the pit is "OP." But there is no established rule! There is no ONE END-ALL GUIDE!

NOW THERE IS.



RULES OF FAIR FIGHTING
The challenger cannot be more than 4 levels higher than the challenged party.
Otherwise they'll like, totally own them. Probably. Sometimes.

No blinding. (OH GOD HELP I CAN'T SEE). Unless it's lame blinding like prismatic spray or incidental blinding like sunburst. ("Oops, I just happened to blind you with that right before I teleported your corporeal body to Avernus"). But intentional blinding is frowned upon, mostly because it makes it boring for one person (the person flailing at the air and falling off cliffs) and boring for the other (the one watching smugly from about eight feet away). Note that actually blinding the player, rather than the character, is perfectly acceptable. Subject to legal action, yes, but still acceptable as it did not actually happen in pvp.

Stunning is not approved of. Fortunately, if you are hit by a stun, you can call the waambulance, and they will come right away, you crybaby.

Spell absorption! No. Well, within reason, like with a mantle or an eensy weensy beholder stalk, it can make things much more interesting.
But with an ioun stone an "epic battle of raging magicians" becomes "how many interesting ways can this person kill me before they run out of charges?"

Tripping! Knockdown! Blowback! Telekinetic blast! Whatever you call it! It's perfectly legal--I mean, how else is a poor barb supposed to catch a wizzy leaping around like a spastic marmoset? This is why you put points in Balance instead of Diplomacy. Gimp.


Guess how many points he has in Balance? 40.

Dance. Here's a handy tip for beating it: Roll a pale master.

Bard songs are all fair. Duh, who's the one who SINGS about chivalry and righteousness all day? Bards. Obviously everything they do is by definition the stuff of bardic song and therefore chivalrous and beyond reproach. Don't like it? You should have thought about that before you smashed him in the face.

The best way to beat someone is to never actually hit him. Sometimes people incap their opponent, run up to bash them to death....and then proc a disintegrate guard. Fail.

"But Hit," you say, "I don't WANNA fight fair!" Well FEAR NOT! For I have also compiled a handy guide to a sophisticated form of unfair fighting!

GUIDE TO GIMPFIGHTING

First, make sure your character's name is as imposing as possible. Exobar the Awesome Death Robot From Neptune is a good start, even if your character is a halfling cleric. This will serve to frighten the opponent every time they see you.

Be sure to make your avatar look as ugly as possible. This will make your enemy unconsciously fear clicking on you and having to look at your face, which means that they will target you less and not aim their spells as well.

To indicate that you wish to start an unfair fight, begin with some simple gesture like disintegrating your chosen opponent while they are stuck on a ladder. Make sure you make eye contact with their avatar while it dies. Although they will not actually see you, the psychic overtones will echo through space and time and irritate them.

Continue to make eye contact.

Get out of the pit, buff yourself, and pick an emote. It really doesn't matter which one. Target your enemy and spam it. If you can still read anything going on in general chat, you're doing it wrong! SPAM HARDER!

Now comes the real test of skill--the hopping balcony battle. The idea is to inflict the most harm upon your enemy while spending the least amount of time in the brawling area, where they can respond. Wait for them to go first, so that you have the element of surprise. They won't expect you to follow them down and then kill them.

KEEP MAKING EYE CONTACT.

As soon as you kill them, immediately send them a tell informing them how much they suck, how horrible their build is, and how obviously their total lack of mental activity allows you to easily gauge their value as a human being.

During the brief periods of time you are off the balcony, you should do one of the following:
Trip.
Meteor swarm.
Cometfall.
Command.
Irresistible Dance.
Kukan-Do.
Manyshot.

If you do not have one of these powers, reroll and start again from the first step.

Following these instructions, you can NEVER BE DEFEATED. If you die, simply pick an emote, select the person who killed you, and spam them again! This erases your permanent record (which you can check by typing /death count into the general chat). Then inform them that the only reason they won was a lucky use of (pick some class ability that they have which you do not). If they are higher level than you, great, put that in too! If this is the third time you've died, do not /tell them, but instead post in general chat. It is best if you do this in all caps, and accompany it with several posts of "X is a gimp lol."

Now we come to the last section:

CLASS SPECIFIC TACTICS AND FIGHTS:

First.

The time-honored tradition.
The ETERNAL WAND CASTER FIGHT.

Stand back to back with an opponent, who must have some sort of eternal damage-dealing wand. Your only buffs can be protection from elements and tumble.

Both of you tumble forward three times, holding your chosen wand.

Turn, face one another, and fire! This battle does not end until one of you is destroyed, no matter how long it takes. If your wand is empty, run up and PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE! Particularly fun if your opponent's wand is the catacombs wand of eternal cure minor wounds!

A classic:

THE FROSTY:

Make sure your internet connection is high-speed! Hop into the pit on your water savant/earth savant/capped wizard! Prep ice storm and acid rain! FILL THE PIT with GIANT BOULDERS OF JOY that deal 288 points of cold damage! A variant, the Hotfoot, is practiced by fire savants with their Delayed Blast Fireballs!

Next:

THE ASSASSIN FIGHT!

Enter stealth with your rogue 18 opponent behind you. Both of you remove your deathblock items! The object of this fight is simple! Battle face-to face while staying behind one another as much as possible, and attempting to destroy each other with your vorpal strike! (note that this also can be done if your opponent has a vorpal sword).

THE TOUCH OF DEATH

Although this is a classic, I omitted it because its popularity has declined somewhat with the neg-energy transformation of touch of death. Back in the heyday, and to a limited degree still, it was/is not unremarkable to see a halfling hop into the pit, sprint up to a warforged, and pop them dead with a single strike to the "lug nuts*." HOWEVER, it has been brought to my attention that there ARE people who do not wear Deathward in the pit. THIS FIGHT IS SIMPLE: Meditate on the balcony, rack up your ki. Pick an uber level 20 and check that they don't have deathward. Hop down, ping them with touch of death, run away. THEN inform them that you were performing a routine Deathward check and that they should remember to have their Visor changed every 30,000 miles.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lug_nut

The HEALER FIGHT!

Party up with your healing class enemy! Get on the same team or even JUST STAY IN A PUBLIC AREA. Stand about five feet apart, designate a referee, and start when he says go!

Whoever crit-heals for the MOST RIDICULOUS NUMBER in less than FIVE MINUTES wins!!

The IRON MAN COMPETITION!

Face your arcane (or divine!) enemy! Prep your highest-level damage over time spell! Turn off Quicken! Buff up, toss your healing powers on and GO! Stack it on there! Three times! Four times! SEVEN TIMES. Then heal yourself! As much as you can! SMASH THE KEYS. Whoever FAILS A CONCENTRATION CHECK and DIES first loses! Note: Do not dispel it, you sissy. Man up and take the damage. Do not play this game with fire savants over level 17. They will win.

And finally!

The BARD FIGHT.

The ultimate test of twitch skill, internet speed, and guitar chops! Who will get their virtuoso's dance off first? Will you make the Will save against their DC 95 Perform check?
Only time will tell. Now go and fight. FIGHT TO THE DANCE. A fun variation of this is the Kukan-Duel, where two monks face off to see whose ranged stun hits faster.

Well, there you have it! Problem solved!

I hope this handy guide makes it easier for you as you navigate the crowded pits of the Lobster, the Open Palm, and the Phoenix! Good luck, and may your pendant of time never run out of charges!

*This guide not valid in all areas. Void lore where prohibited. Do not take with Silver Flame potions, or if you are a paladin. Side effects of PvP may include fits of rage, ear infections, unwanted pregnancy and the growth of extra eyes. If you experience a jade prison strike lasting more than four hours, please contact a cleric immediately. And most importantly if you at any time feel like any of this is at all important, get up and strike yourself firmly between the eyes with a blunt object. Applicable to the United States, Puerto Rico, Alaska, Hawaii, and the Balkans. The answer is forty-two. Yes it is. See Fred for details.

[Lorien_the_First_One]

The official rules of PvP are go in there and use any skills, abilities, spells, or equipment that Turbine has determined should work in PvP. It's all perfectly legit and anyone who says otherwise is clearly a gimp character that needs the other guy to tie their hands behind their back so that their gimpness is not obvious to all.

[hityawithastick]

The official rules of PvP are go in there and use any skills, abilities, spells, or equipment that Turbine has determined should work in PvP. It's all perfectly legit and anyone who says otherwise is clearly a gimp character that needs the other guy to tie their hands behind their back so that their gimpness is not obvious to all.

You know that, and I know that, but, erm, not everyone else knows that. >.> Some people call "cheating" on some tactics, so I figured I'd do them a favor and provide rules that I can then ignore.

[infernalmagiks]

At first I thought this was a serious thread. Then came the monkey.

[Stormanne]

Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat to get ahead...

[Lorien_the_First_One]

At first I thought this was a serious thread. Then came the monkey.

Yeah, I got bored before reading that far

[Bodic]

you forgot the caster steps are:

Magic Missle-> Mantle/Ioun Stone
Meteor Swarm-> HP reduction below 450
Power Word: Stun->helpless
Irrestible Dance-> even more helpess
Sneak
Jump-> Grief
Polar Ray-> Kill

Insert kill into BIO Roar.

[dunklezhan]

... God help me, I think I want to try PvP now...

I mean, nobody told me there would be monkeys.

[hityawithastick]

... God help me, I think I want to try PvP now...

I mean, nobody told me there would be monkeys.

Oh yeah, the monkeys are the best part! No one told you?

[voodoogroves]

... God help me, I think I want to try PvP now...

I mean, nobody told me there would be monkeys.

Slacker. I just rolled up a toon called "TEHMARMASETUVDOOOOM" to totally own you newbs in the Lobster.

[hityawithastick]

Slacker. I just rolled up a toon called "TEHMARMASETUVDOOOOM" to totally own you newbs in the Lobster.

[Monroid]

My tool detector is beeping wildly

[hityawithastick]

My tool detector is beeping wildly

Well don't keep it in your pocket!

[jennick52]

Well thought out and explained guide to PvP. Very informative, and I plan on ignoring all the rules given, as PvP is a non-fair fighting situation.

On the other hand, very funny post. I did indeed laugh on several different parts of it, especially on the eternal wand fight. Good work sir, good work.

[PopeJual]

Official rules of PvP:

Two men enter. One man leaves.

[jennick52]

Two men enter. One man leaves.

^This^ o.O

[Vyrn]

Hahaha, coming from someone who does about 5 raids and spends the rest of his time pvping, this is the best thread Ive read . +1

[hityawithastick]

Official rules of PvP:

Two men enter. One man leaves.

Two guys one leaf?

[hityawithastick]

Well thought out and explained guide to PvP. Very informative, and I plan on ignoring all the rules given, as PvP is a non-fair fighting situation.

On the other hand, very funny post. I did indeed laugh on several different parts of it, especially on the eternal wand fight. Good work sir, good work.

Thank you, thank you. All credit goes to my boredom (my boredom, ironically, with sitting in the brawling area nuking rangers).

[jennick52]

Some of my best and worst posts have been made out of boredom. Though my boredom stems from being at work with nothing to do.