Tales of Valor!!!!!!!

[SniptheShadow]

The following came from some guildies and I joking around about how funny the randomness of Guild Renown can be.

I don't mean anything bad by this. It isn't a knock at the Devs. I love your Guild Renown creation! Yes I do! Yes I do! *snuggles* *grabs Dev around the neck and gives him a noogie*

But it can be funny at times when Guild Renown pops...


For example:




Tales of Valor

a short tale of DDO

by

SniptheShadow




Beltakorr, Mummified Bat attached, leaps from the cliff and decends in among the Lesser Monstrous Scorpions. As the ground nears, he cranks back his +3 Shock Maul of Weighted and then strikes. Scorpion guts are yellow just like their hearts, and he makes disgusting mud on the sand. Wham! Wham! Thud! Thud! and the tiny vermin screech in death. The next to last one dies with no sound at all, and the story of its flattened body and crushed six little legs travels far and wide and quickly too. ((Tales of Valor your guild has earned 150 renown))

Later at the Phoenix Tavern, the patrons hoist Beltakorr on their shoulders. They carry him to the heart of the place. Cog waves a friendly hello. Everyone cheers when they see who has arrived.

"Lesser Monstrous Scorpion Killer! Lesser Monstrous Scorpion Killer! Lesser Monstrous Scorpion Killer!" chants the loving crowd.

Beltakorr is a hero! He is a God!!!

Wenches and Lasses cat fight openly for the honor of sitting on his lap. Old women long for youth as they stare on and wonder what it would be like to bed one so strong and vibrant. Young adventurers from far and wide sit in rapt attention at nearby tables as Beltakorr tells for the eighth time how he killed the little things.

"I got out me Maul. It is a heavy Maul but I strong. I jump high and then I smashed them. They pop like eggs. And I smash and smash and smash them dead. It was kind of smelly."

One girl sitting on the floor by him wraps her left arm around the brave Barbarian's lower leg and looks up adoringly at the tall, brave and dangerous scorpion killer. She bats her eye lashes up at him and then slips him the room number to the place she occupies at the Phoenix...for later...

Drinks are on the house and gifts are given to the tall Beltakorr, and everyone sleeps peacefully knowing that the half a dozen small scorpions will no longer be a threat to Stormreach.


Later that month....

Beltakorr runs across open hills and a Hyena suddenly blocks his path.

The animal's yipe and bark, almost a laugh, is unnerving and oddly human-like in sound. The two circle one another on the grass, man and beast. And then Beltakorr swings his +4 Great Axe of Maiming. The Hyena dies in a heap, and the story ripples out from the hills and reaches Stormreach before Beltakorr can make the long jaunt back to town. ((Heroic Deeds your guild has earned 50 renown))

Later, Beltakorr throws wide the doors at the Phoenix. Women scream and swoon and their under garments strike the brave Killer of Hyenas in the face and chest. They run at him and rain down kisses on his face and hands. The terrible Hyena is no more. Stormreach can rest at ease once again. And four women grab tankards of ale, mutton and mean and then drag the happy Barbarian up to bed.

Two weeks later:

Beltakorr is stalking the Vale of Twilight. All around he and his companions is a blasted land that looks more like the Plane of Battle than anything near Stormreach. Skulls rest on spikes rammed in the ground. Flies swarm over piles of snaking human intestines and chew at the draped, flayed skin of humans hanging up to dry.

What kind of a place is this!? Beltakorr wonders.

And then a Devil Lieutenant materializes in front of him.

Axe strikes Pike.

The sound echoes over the terrible hills. Beltakorr strikes once and twice and the the Devil Lieutenant trips him and brings his gory pike down. Beltakorr lets out a howl of rage as the metal plunges into his shoulder, cutting down to the bone. He kicks out and the devil falls back against the hillside, growls and tries to jump up again to fight. One, two, three hits and the devil rolls out from underneath the Barbarian's wild strikes.

They fight for almost twenty minutes.

Blood drips from Beltakorr from more wounds than he cares to count. It soaks the awful dirt beneath him, and he feels weak and slow from the loss. The Devil Lieutenant's blood drips from him in scores of places as well, and wherever there is a wound, the slit smokes like the inside of the creature is an infernal furnace of burning awful flesh.

The Devil Lieutenant shouts a battle cry at the sky in rage and rushes forward.

Beltakorr, at the last possible second, stoops low and brings up his Vorpal Axe and sends the devil's severed head soaring out over the blasted plain. Its body falls back the opposite way, hisses and disappears from sight.

Beltakorr falls to his knees to rest, his blood still running freely, getting into his eyes. ((Your guild has earned 5 renown))



Much later, after spending time in a House J healing Ward, Beltakorr throws wide the doors to the Phoenix Tavern.

The patrons hover protectively over drinks. No one looks up. Cog turns away disgustedly and continues to clean his glass. Wenches and Lasses pass by the Barbarian without a second glance. He reaches out to one of the four from the last time he graced the tavern with his heroic presence, but she she bats his hand away.

"Oi! Who you think you're pawing at, meat shield. Mind your mittens or I'll sick the City Guard on you!"

"But...I..." says Beltakorr. "The Devil and me in the Vale...we...and he..."

"Don't stand in the threshold of the door, fool!" says a Halfling darting between Beltakorr's legs to get in. "People need to come in and drink and you make a terribly ugly tree."

Beltakorr watches the angry Halfling move into the depths of the tavern.

He looks all around the room. No one meets his searching eyes, his hurt and glassy-eyed stare. Don't they know who he is!?

"But I killed a Devil Lieutenant. He even had a name. I'm a hero. I almost died," Beltakorr pleads openly to the crowded place.

"Shut up!" says an old women to his left.

"In or out," yells someone else. "And close the door."

Beltakorr lowers his head and walks inside....




The End


Snip




P.S. Thanks for letting me get my silly fix for the day everyone....

[Lcdr_Swizzle]

It's a fun read. By the way, what was the room number on the note? just curious...

[SniptheShadow]

Room #69

[EazyWeazy]

+1 for the awesome post man. Enjoyed it thoroughly.

[Deadslug]

I AM ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I actually got an impressive Trophy out of Haverdasher's final chest. I completed an Elite Reaver run without even a 5 point. Yay Randomness!!!!!!

I'm 19037, and that's what I think.