Joke Contest

[Sidious]

If anyone is daring enough to tell me their best booger or fart joke in this thread,, I will happily give the owner of the funniest one an undetermined monetary reward. I alone am judge and jury. Keep them G or PG rated. I will start us off to set the tone..

Did you hear about the guy and the 5 pound booger?

His head caved in before he could eat it...

Random thought... what does an Ooozes booger look like?


That is Handee's favorite joke btw.

For those of you who have something to cry about for whatever reason just put your joke first please.

[Sambvca]

Are farts supposed to have lumps?
Oh Oh...

[Jayfunked]

What's green and sticky?














A green stick.

[Jayfunked]

What's the difference between broccoli and a booger?

















Kids won't eat broccoli.

[Naash]

What's the difference between a vacumn cleaner and a Harley Davidson?














The dirt bag is on the inside of a vacumn cleaner.

[Absolute-Omniscience]

A classic favorite of mine.


A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."

[Sidious]

A classic favorite of mine.


A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."

I loved your joke, but since it is not about farts or boogers you will not be taken into consideration for the money.

[Absolute-Omniscience]

I loved your joke, but since it is not about farts or boogers you will not be taken into consideration for the money.

Yeh, I just thought I'd throw it in.

[Mystyque]

So I was on this bus ride in the Marine Corps and one of my buddies in the back seat let out the biggest smelliest fart I have ever experienced. Now the windows on this bus were open and he was sitting in the furthest back seat you can get. About a minute later the bus driver stop the bus turns around and plugs his nose and says thats disgusting. Meanwhile we are rolling around the back of the bus laughing hystarically. Then we pull up to an MP gate and the MP was talking to driver suddenly steps back and asks the driver what the hell that smell was. I am talking this was a lingering nasty fart that made history in my book.

[KillEveryone]

This guy comes into a bar rubbing his fingers saying "looks like plastic, feels like rubber."
He orders a drink and contines "looks like plastic, feels like rubber"
He does this for a while and a few more drinks.
The bartender finally has to have his curiosity met so he asks the guy if he can look at it.
The guy hands the bartender the stuff and the bartender starts to rub the stuff between his fingers.
Bartender go, "Hey, this stuff does look like plastic, and it does feel like rubber. What is it?"
The guy goes, "The snot from my nose."

-----
Off topic jokes but they are funny anyway.

A rabbi, priest, and an athiest walks into a bar.
Bartender goes "Is this some kind of joke?"


----
3 men are big game hunting in the safari.
Their jeep runs into an elephant.
One goes through the windshield and looses part of his brain.
One goes over the steering wheel and looses part of his stomach.
One goes sliding over the hood on their belly, and looses other parts.
Luckly a famous surgeon known for putting animal parts on humans is also hunting and happens to drive up to the scene.
He takes part of the elephant brain and puts it in the guy with missing brain, part of the stomach in the guy with missing stomach, and part of the elephant trunk on the guy missing the other parts
The three hunters are recuping in the hospital and make a pact to get together in a year and see how the elephant parts have affected each of them.
The time comes for them to get to gather and they meet. Plesant conversation and finally they ask each other about how things have changed.
The guy with the missing brain "Not much has really changed except my memory has improved quite a bit and I haven't forgotten anyting in the last year" they all marvel at this.
The guy with the missing stomach "Well it is kind of odd but I keep getting this craving for leaves." They all wonder at this.
The guy with the missing other parts "Well it is the darndest thing, I have trouble keeping my "p to the nus" out of the penuts at the coctail parties."

[Naash]

One day a man found himself with a problem.
Every time he passed gas it would make a weird sound.HONDA!
Yes,instead of the familiar sound we know his flatulence would loudly proclaim HONDA!
This was amusing at first,and it amazed his family & friends but the man grew increasingly worried.
The man spent the next few months going to doctors then specialists none could find a cure for his peculiar ailment.
A friend suggested new age clinics,that led to a string of bizarre and innefectual treatments nothing worked.
Exasperated,the man decided to try a spiritual way and sought out a guru.
Standing before the guru he explained his plight and demonstrated for the guru by letting one rip.
Like hundreds of times before his trouser cough went HONDA!
The guru nodded knowingly "you need to see a dentist"
The man cried "I've seen every doctor and gastroinstentinal specialist for miles around,every wack job witch doctor in the yellow pages and you're telling me to see a dentist!"
"Yes" the guru replied,
"abscess makes the fart go HONDA."

[toughguyjoe]

You're so poor You had to fart in your pocket to make a scent.

[BattleCircle]

Time for some fart jokes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UvvAx4n2l4

[Aussieee]

My son is 4 and he loves coke. He knows that he can't have one on his own and we aways share so its not too much for him. He cracks me up with the stuff he comes up to ask me for coke.

My son comes to me and ask me : Mommy are you thirsty? You want coke?

I got a coke and was about to open it when my son spoted me. He comes to me and ask me for his cup that happen to be right next to me. Look in it and sees a bit of milk left. Looks at me and says : Mommy I didn't have any coke today!

[Rendigar]

Old School right here:

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for
baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a
guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she
thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go
for this carrying on." So, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she
would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small
diner and the aroma of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill
effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All
the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I
have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her
and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the
blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to
touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room
she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front
of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation
in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air
a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands
upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when
her husband returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured
him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy
Birthday!!

[Sidious]

My son is 4 and he loves coke. He knows that he can't have one on his own and we aways share so its not too much for him. He cracks me up with the stuff he comes up to ask me for coke.

My son comes to me and ask me : Mommy are you thirsty? You want coke?

I got a coke and was about to open it when my son spoted me. He comes to me and ask me for his cup that happen to be right next to me. Look in it and sees a bit of milk left. Looks at me and says : Mommy I didn't have any coke today!

LOL, chldren are great at that age. they have no idea how funny they are.

[Maxmillian]

How do you know if a little old lady is wearing panty hose?




















When she farts her ankles swell...

[Maxmillian]

A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tommorrow.
But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.
The wife, understandably is angry as f**k, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."
The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, Hubbie falls asleep.
The wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.

"What happened?" asked his wife.

"Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out."

"What did you do?" asked his wife.

"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"

[Bravosi]

One evening I am running Delara's and my 3 year old is trying to get my attention. I go afk and pick her up in my lap, the whole time she is waving her fingers at me. So I decide to be cute and put her fingers in my mouth going "nom nom nom Daddy's eating your fingers".

Suddenly she starts to cry. I ask "honey whats wrong?"

She says: "Where did my booger go?"

[Maxmillian]

An art museum curator is eagerly awaiting the arrival of a world renowned art collector, and is experiencing a bad bout of cramping in his stomach after some bad curry. With a disturbed look, a gurgle, and an air biscuit he decides he should use the restroom. He barely makes it to the toilet and has the most earth shattering and violent diarrhea all over the toilet. As he is cleaning up, he hears the art collector outside in the museum calling for the immediate attention of the curator. The curator, time against him, unable to clean up the bathroom hurriedly goes out and greets the collector with the humblest of apologies in not being there to greet him initially. The tour of the museum goes on and the collector is snubbing all of the art work with his nose in the air, finally saying "None of this will do, you have nothing here that is original or impressive....you have the worst art collection I have ever seen."

The curator, now seething inside because of insults to his museum, with an evil grin says..."Oh I almost forgot, this way to the Jackson Pollack exhibit."


P.S. It does help to know who Jackson Pollack is....but it is an original, albeit somewhat highbrow.