Joke Contest

[Sidious]

If anyone is daring enough to tell me their best booger or fart joke in this thread,, I will happily give the owner of the funniest one an undetermined monetary reward. I alone am judge and jury. Keep them G or PG rated. I will start us off to set the tone..

Did you hear about the guy and the 5 pound booger?

His head caved in before he could eat it...

Random thought... what does an Ooozes booger look like?


That is Handee's favorite joke btw.

For those of you who have something to cry about for whatever reason just put your joke first please.

[Sambvca]

Are farts supposed to have lumps?
Oh Oh...

[Jayfunked]

What's green and sticky?














A green stick.

[Jayfunked]

What's the difference between broccoli and a booger?

















Kids won't eat broccoli.

[Naash]

What's the difference between a vacumn cleaner and a Harley Davidson?














The dirt bag is on the inside of a vacumn cleaner.

[Absolute-Omniscience]

A classic favorite of mine.


A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."

[Sidious]

A classic favorite of mine.


A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening.
She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks.
"Yes, darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?"
"Yes, darling, very good." Answers the mom.
"Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?" she asks.
"Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom says.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."

I loved your joke, but since it is not about farts or boogers you will not be taken into consideration for the money.

[AlphandOmega]

This gets my vote.

What's the difference between broccoli and a booger?

FTW!

















Kids won't eat broccoli.

[Aussieee]

My son is 4 and he loves coke. He knows that he can't have one on his own and we aways share so its not too much for him. He cracks me up with the stuff he comes up to ask me for coke.

My son comes to me and ask me : Mommy are you thirsty? You want coke?

I got a coke and was about to open it when my son spoted me. He comes to me and ask me for his cup that happen to be right next to me. Look in it and sees a bit of milk left. Looks at me and says : Mommy I didn't have any coke today!

[Rendigar]

Old School right here:

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for
baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a
guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she
thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go
for this carrying on." So, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she
would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small
diner and the aroma of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill
effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and
before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All
the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably
sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I
have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her
and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the
blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to
touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room
she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was
not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front
of a pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her
vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which
reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation
in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air
a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands
upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when
her husband returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured
him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was
surprised!!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy
Birthday!!

[Sidious]

My son is 4 and he loves coke. He knows that he can't have one on his own and we aways share so its not too much for him. He cracks me up with the stuff he comes up to ask me for coke.

My son comes to me and ask me : Mommy are you thirsty? You want coke?

I got a coke and was about to open it when my son spoted me. He comes to me and ask me for his cup that happen to be right next to me. Look in it and sees a bit of milk left. Looks at me and says : Mommy I didn't have any coke today!

LOL, chldren are great at that age. they have no idea how funny they are.

[Maxmillian]

How do you know if a little old lady is wearing panty hose?




















When she farts her ankles swell...

[Maxmillian]

A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tommorrow.
But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.
The wife, understandably is angry as f**k, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."
The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, Hubbie falls asleep.
The wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.

"What happened?" asked his wife.

"Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out."

"What did you do?" asked his wife.

"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"

[Bravosi]

One evening I am running Delara's and my 3 year old is trying to get my attention. I go afk and pick her up in my lap, the whole time she is waving her fingers at me. So I decide to be cute and put her fingers in my mouth going "nom nom nom Daddy's eating your fingers".

Suddenly she starts to cry. I ask "honey whats wrong?"

She says: "Where did my booger go?"

[Maxmillian]

An art museum curator is eagerly awaiting the arrival of a world renowned art collector, and is experiencing a bad bout of cramping in his stomach after some bad curry. With a disturbed look, a gurgle, and an air biscuit he decides he should use the restroom. He barely makes it to the toilet and has the most earth shattering and violent diarrhea all over the toilet. As he is cleaning up, he hears the art collector outside in the museum calling for the immediate attention of the curator. The curator, time against him, unable to clean up the bathroom hurriedly goes out and greets the collector with the humblest of apologies in not being there to greet him initially. The tour of the museum goes on and the collector is snubbing all of the art work with his nose in the air, finally saying "None of this will do, you have nothing here that is original or impressive....you have the worst art collection I have ever seen."

The curator, now seething inside because of insults to his museum, with an evil grin says..."Oh I almost forgot, this way to the Jackson Pollack exhibit."


P.S. It does help to know who Jackson Pollack is....but it is an original, albeit somewhat highbrow.

[Ragemage]

What has four legs and one arm?






























A Pitbull at a children's playground.

[Maxmillian]

Highbrow yes, mispelled yes, Pollack no, Pollock yes....joke was funny, mispelling, funnier.

[AlphandOmega]

And so it begins... Oh, I'm afraid that you and your Rebel friends will have quite a surprise. Now witness the Power, of this FULLY OPERATIONAL battle station. Let the hate flow through you. MuWEHhehhaHAHAhaha.

[Naash]

An art museum curator is eagerly awaiting the arrival of a world renowned art collector, and is experiencing a bad bout of cramping in his stomach after some bad curry. With a disturbed look, a gurgle, and an air biscuit he decides he should use the restroom. He barely makes it to the toilet and has the most earth shattering and violent diarrhea all over the toilet. As he is cleaning up, he hears the art collector outside in the museum calling for the immediate attention of the curator. The curator, time against him, unable to clean up the bathroom hurriedly goes out and greets the collector with the humblest of apologies in not being there to greet him initially. The tour of the museum goes on and the collector is snubbing all of the art work with his nose in the air, finally saying "None of this will do, you have nothing here that is original or impressive....you have the worst art collection I have ever seen."

The curator, now seething inside because of insults to his museum, with an evil grin says..."Oh I almost forgot, this way to the Jackson Pollack exhibit."


P.S. It does help to know who Jackson Pollack is....but it is an original, albeit somewhat highbrow.

In my neck of the woods we call that a rooster tail,you'll smoke the bearin's in the paper dispenser with one of those bubba.

[KingOfCheese]

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Booger

Booger who?

Booger Fart