RL Drama, my house is my castle!

[Havok.cry]

OP, if you have a desire to work this out with your partner's parents (I see you haven't called her wife, and I don't know the nuances of Australian culture)

what I'd do...
1. No. They don't enter yours, you don't enter theirs.
2. Any meetings take place at third party areas. Open to the public.
3. Your partner should NOT go behind your back in getting her parents over into your domain. That breaks trust so freaking fast.
4. You and your partner may need counseling. This sounds to be a huge issue for her and could ultimately cause a breakup. One or both of you clearly isn't hearing the other side.

And see how things go from there. BOTH sides must be willing to work at it otherwise it will always fail and you will never be the alpha of your home.

Or who knows.. maybe you two just need to rent a boxing ring and go at it, screaming at each other so both fo you finally say exactly what you feel at the other while knocking each other's block off. (What? Works in movies, don't it. )

This. Also good luck, to you and your partner

[Ungood]

I'm not sure that this works, it isn't inconvenient for me not to go to their house but it is thoroughly impractical for them not to be able to come to ours.

For this reason I wouldn't even need to be welcomed back to their house. It would be perfectly acceptable for them to just observe the fact that at this point in time they aren't welcome in my house. If they could do that for a period of time then I could see a point in the future where I'd be happy to invite them into my house if they actually had the humility to ask for an invitation.

The issue with this is not a matter of convenience, it is respect.

There is no worse advice you could be given then to be told to back down from this. You are a man, an adult, and a father. This is something That the Grandparents needs to learn and cope with.

Right now, they feel entitled to deny you into their life and house, and feel that they can freely mock you, and then expect you open your doors to them and be allowed to enter your home with impunity.

That is wrong, their daughter not seeing that this is a bare handed slap in the face is also wrong.

This problem will not go away, and taking any measure to allow them to violate your authority of your house, is just that, a violation of your life. Going off and playing games or ignoring them is not the answer, it is your house, if they come in, they better be respectful and mindful of you, in your home.

So make it clear, if they are going to jerks about this, you can play that game. Don't make threats to kick their butt, or key their car;

Make it clear to your significant other and Her Parents, If they come into your house, that doing so means they acknowledge that as your right to enter theirs.

Say something like this "As long as you stay away from my home, I'll know I am not welcome in yours, but if you come to my house, That means you welcome me into yours"

Then say "Your Move"

Sadly, problematic parents don't go away, and if you let them, they will continually become a bigger and bigger problem.

[Postumus]

Sadly, problematic parents don't go away, and if you let them, they will continually become a bigger and bigger problem.

Well, eventually they do... but the spouse/partner will remain if they are still together.

So the question is, over the long run, what is more detrimental to his relationship? The enforcement of 'if I can't go to their house, you can't have them in our house' with his partner? Or dealing with the in-laws' lack of respect for the next few years?

There are so many mitigating circumstances here that it is really only a question the OP can answer for himself (and I don't expect him to answer it here publicly by any means). He's the one who will have to live with the repercussion of the decision.

[Cauthey]

Sorry, late to the thread, and only skimmed some of the most recent posts. But, I've seen a lot of good advice from Ungood, MissingMinds, and others.

Compromise is key.

The fact that they've barred you from their residence is hurtful and insulting. I, like many others in this thread, would sustain that if you cannot visit their house, they cannot visit yours. I believe that it is KEY that your partner stick up for you on this, respect this, and help you enforce this. Obviously, your partner chose you. For better or for worse, she is going to need to work with her parents to establish some kind of a bar minimum for respect.

However, you may need to be the "bigger person," and bring the topic to bear. Try and have an open conversation with your partner first, and suggest "I'd be willing to allow your parents to come here. However, before I can do that, I need them to allow us (with me included) to visit them. If they are not willing to extend a bare minimum of respect and tolerance towards me, then I am not willing to do the same for them."

Then, try to have the same conversation with your partner's father. Make a small concession, admit that you have your differences, and ask if he things the two of you can set them aside in the name of peace and for the greater good.

It may help you to come to these terms if you can identify aspects of your partner's father's personality that you can understand or respect. For example, "The man's bad so-and-so, but I can't deny that he has great taste in xyz." Not saying that this will work. But, it might make time shared in similar space a little easier to bear.

Good luck. Life's hard. And family can often add further challenges and complicated facets to it all. But, you have an important role now as a parent. If you don't get this sorted soon, it's going to be your child that suffers most of all.

Keep your self-respect (it's hard sometimes, I know for a fact myself), but also try and give a little with some compromise.

[wax_on_wax_off]

So we are at least talking again and it looks at this stage that we are willing to work things out. We've identified some things that we have to work on both individually and as a couple so that's hopefully a step in the right direction.

DP is currently working up the courage to confront her parents and give them a piece of her mind which is something that she's never done up to now; basically because she has wanted to spare their feelings.

One thing that I think that I've figured out is a factor in the "ridiculous" banning from the complex that a few people were negative about (fair enough). In recollection, I think that it was in retaliation to DPs Dad telling me that he'd call the cops if he ever saw me in my partners car. Mind you, everything was quite heated at the time which is why it's taken me this long to even piece that much together.

The back story here is that I got rid of my car as we only wanted to have one car between us (if I'd known it didn't belong to her I certainly wouldn't have done so). Also, to the best of both my partner and I's knowledge her car belonged to her as her dad had signed it over to her but it turns out that he never submitted the paperwork. Finally, they only bought the car for her in the first place as they didn't want her riding her scooter around.

I realise that this ***-for-tat BS is childish but I'd argue that I've just done my best to stand up for myself and to not let myself be bullied. If there's anything that I've learned it is that if you let yourself be bullied then you will always be bullied but the one place I won't take it is in my own home.

Does this change anything or am I just making excuses to justify my childish ***-for-tat'ness?

[Missing_Minds]

*car info*

I realise that this ***-for-tat BS is childish but I'd argue that I've just done my best to stand up for myself and to not let myself be bullied. If there's anything that I've learned it is that if you let yourself be bullied then you will always be bullied but the one place I won't take it is in my own home.

Does this change anything or am I just making excuses to justify my childish ***-for-tat'ness?

Again, responsibility is key here.

Your partner's father showed lack of responsibility by failing to file the paperwork let alone failing to inform his daughter.

If the car was the real starting point, excellent. I say this as now you have a clue how it got started.

My personal ego would love to say "I'm sorry about the car, but if you had just filed or told her you weren't going to file...." You know, rub their nose in it. But for the sake of your partner (as it seems you genuinely care for her. please don't take that as an insult. we are all just faceless text here on the forums so I tend to take everything with grains of salt.) don't do it.
Just say something along the lines, "It has been heated for so long and right now my best guess of what kicked this off was the car. I apologize as I didn't realize you had not filed. I wouldn't have done what I did had I known. I honestly did not do so to spite you or take advantage of your generosity."

My other opinion is that it doesn't matter if that started for it or not, but do not use the past as justification for continuing it in the present. Please do not. It shows a pettiness that is not a sign of maturity. Protecting yourself and that which you are responcible for is NOT a sign of pettiness, but the manner in which you do may be. I think you'll understand what I'm referring to.

[Thrudh]

It is true that I'm fairly set on my path already, I'm a stubborn git and I'm very much aware that pride is a significant factor in my decisions.

When your partner leaves you and you only see your daughter every other weekend while some other man (who she may call "Daddy") raises her, at least you can take comfort in your pride.

I think you need to discuss the situation with your partner again, and have her explain your feelings to her parents. She needs to tell them that they have to treat you with respect and courtesy.

And then you have to back down, and let them in the house (after they knock of course) without putting anyone in a headlock.

If the disrespect occurs again, out they go.... And you may have to repeat the whole process a few more times. But you're going to have to give in a LITTLE to start the healing process.

Be the bigger man, and give the parents a few more chances.

Good luck to you.

[krackythehoodedone]

Jeez getting into a situation of physical confrontation with your Father in Law spells disaster.

That really needs to stop.You will have to work hard to retrieve this situation.

Try and reach an amicable arrangement that works for both. Some form of Ltd access for example.

And an agreement from both parties to treat eachother cordialy.

[Thrudh]

The issue with this is not a matter of convenience, it is respect.

There is no worse advice you could be given then to be told to back down from this. You are a man, an adult, and a father. This is something That the Grandparents needs to learn and cope with.

Sometimes the bigger man is one who "backs down", at least a little...

Someone has to make the first move... Even if it's just stating to his partner "If they honor and respect my wishes for 3 months, then we can revisit our relationship and maybe your parents can come in the house again". That's a tiny tiny opening, but at least you're giving the other side an opening that she can relay to her parents.

[Thrudh]

Sorry, late to the thread, and only skimmed some of the most recent posts. But, I've seen a lot of good advice from Ungood, MissingMinds, and others.

Compromise is key.

The fact that they've barred you from their residence is hurtful and insulting. I, like many others in this thread, would sustain that if you cannot visit their house, they cannot visit yours. I believe that it is KEY that your partner stick up for you on this, respect this, and help you enforce this. Obviously, your partner chose you. For better or for worse, she is going to need to work with her parents to establish some kind of a bar minimum for respect.

However, you may need to be the "bigger person," and bring the topic to bear. Try and have an open conversation with your partner first, and suggest "I'd be willing to allow your parents to come here. However, before I can do that, I need them to allow us (with me included) to visit them. If they are not willing to extend a bare minimum of respect and tolerance towards me, then I am not willing to do the same for them."

Then, try to have the same conversation with your partner's father. Make a small concession, admit that you have your differences, and ask if he things the two of you can set them aside in the name of peace and for the greater good.

It may help you to come to these terms if you can identify aspects of your partner's father's personality that you can understand or respect. For example, "The man's bad so-and-so, but I can't deny that he has great taste in xyz." Not saying that this will work. But, it might make time shared in similar space a little easier to bear.

Good luck. Life's hard. And family can often add further challenges and complicated facets to it all. But, you have an important role now as a parent. If you don't get this sorted soon, it's going to be your child that suffers most of all.

Keep your self-respect (it's hard sometimes, I know for a fact myself), but also try and give a little with some compromise.

Good post.

[Meat-Head]

First off, wow.


Secondly, I've been married 10.5 years, and my 4th child is on the way.


Thirdly, most people are not bffs with their in-laws. That part is normal.


I would urge you to go waaay out of YOUR way to contact her father and make amends. I would offer to take him to a nice dinner, just the two of you. At this dinner, I would STRONGLY suggest FIRST you appologize for all of the conflict in that past that YOU had a hand in (headlocks etc..). Second, I would calmly and HUMBLY explain my own greivences. Thirdly, I would calmly and humbly ask the father if there is ANY WAY that you could work out your differences.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that YOU should find out what the father's favorite restaurant/food is and try to make that the place you go.


Why do this:

1. It's important for your kid(s). As a father of 4, even though I don't love every minute I spend with my in-laws, I can tell you that my kids adore their momo and papa. Their lives are very much enriched by their grandparents.

2. It's important for you. Less conflict = less stress = more happiness.

3. It's important for your "partner" for obvious reasons.

4. It's important for the relationship (particularly in the long-run) with your partner. Besides lacking the conflict, think BABYSITTERS when you want to go out on a date. (THIS IS A HUUUUGE benefit).


Pride is the problem. Humility is the answer.

Assume the father will never initiate the humility part. Therefore, YOU can be the man who fixes this. THAT's strong.

[twiliteslayer02]

Very eerie how similar you story is to my own, minus the physical violence.

My situation is much the same, it got tothe point where I had to make an ultimatum and hope , I won, and its now all on my terms, not theirs. the standing truce is civility when face to face, and no open hostilities allowed, from either side. visitation is when I and my girl decide and never at my house it nearly cost me my relationship, but the truth prevailed this time.

Good luck, try to keep your head, violence is almost never a good outcome when dealing with family.

[Ancient]

I think you need to discuss the situation with your partner again, and have her explain your feelings to her parents. She needs to tell them that they have to treat you with respect and courtesy.

And then you have to back down, and let them in the house (after they knock of course) without putting anyone in a headlock.

In-laws can be a very emotional issue, but big-picture... your relationship with your wife is far far more important. You could make the first move by telling her that if you have too chose between putting up with her parents and losing her that you'll put up with her parents.

It's rough for a guy, but explaining your feelings to your partner will help a lot. In the end, she is in a far better place to deal with her parents behavior than you are. They love her, they inherited you. If she would simply tell her parents that if she has to choose between you and them... she chooses you... and simply ask them not to put her in that position to have to make that choice.

And btw... at least your in-laws knocked before they came in. Took years of compromise to work through the cultural differences, but it was good prep for when we lived next to a sweet little old lady with dimentia who randomly show up in our house, especially around meal times. Really threw my father for a loop when he was visiting one time and our neighbor let her self into our house snuck up behind my dad and gave him a pinch on the butt. My mom is still a little miffed about that. After 20 years of strays, neighbors and in-laws... you'd be hard pressed to surprise me by what goes through my house. I have my little corner, I go hide if it gets too loud, too crazy Headphones and DDO for the win!

[Postumus]

The back story here is that I got rid of my car as we only wanted to have one car between us (if I'd known it didn't belong to her I certainly wouldn't have done so). Also, to the best of both my partner and I's knowledge her car belonged to her as her dad had signed it over to her but it turns out that he never submitted the paperwork. Finally, they only bought the car for her in the first place as they didn't want her riding her scooter around.

This sounds like 20-something drama. Mom & Dad 'give' daughter a car that boyfriend can use etc etc.

Been there 20 years ago. One thing that will help reduce these types of conflicts from occurring is to stop accepting 'gifts' from her parents (both her and you) as they obviously come with strings attached.

I've been assuming that you and your partner are the only people whose names are on the deed/lease for you dwelling, but in light of the car thing I wonder if her folks chipped in or co-signed or contributed in some way. If they did, that's another attachment you're better off breaking ASAP or it could lead to more headlocks and threats and cops.

At this point I'm wondering if you are just better off moving to another part of the country.

[Thrudh]

At this point I'm wondering if you are just better off moving to another part of the country.

That actually may be a decent solution.

[sebastianosmith]

{{{sigh}}}

Waxy,

The situation as described is quite untenable for all parties. The main issue is that your partner's parents are unwilling to view their beloved daughter as an independent, mature individual capable of making her own choices. The secondary issue is your insistence that your partner must choose between you or them.

Her parents have yet to let her mature. Only she can convince them of the necessity of releasing her from childhood. You cannot play a direct role in this. You may support and comfort her, but that is all. Directly confronting her parents will not help and likely inflame their passions. Their problem is not with you personally. They would have the same issues with anyone attempting to take their daughter from them.

Leave your King of the Castle feelings in the shower each morning and bend to the inevitable. Anything else will be viewed by your partner in the same light as oppressive parental control. She is not a possession over which to be fought, nor is your child with her. That is the very heart of your dispute with her parents. Don't exhibit the same attitudes as they or she will come to view you in the same light. She loves her mother and father despite their attitudes. Remember this and accept her decisions.

She cannot abandon her parents anymore than she can her child... or you - if you can come to understand her feelings in this matter. This is not now and has never been about you. Put aside your ego. Learn to respect her in a way her parents have yet to do. She obviously loves you. Make it easy for her to continue and everything will work out as it should.

[Drekisen]

This is at the original post as it's all I read.......

I had a similar situation a short time ago...not exactly the same thing but let's just say had to put up with a couple people staying at my house for a bit longer than I would have liked.

Lots of negative things happened, but some good things to.

One night I just got super annoyed and left the house......went to the woods......and spoke with nature.

Soon I came to the realization that to even have a home is a blessing.....to have to deal with someone you don't like being there is generally momentary.

To think of all you could not have and end up losing by becoming radical about the situation is even more of an eye opener.

For the most part I believe we all have our right to space, but sometimes we have to compromise a little on the amount of space that will be. You could lose your house tomorrow or things could get so bad between you and your spouse that you could lose her.....at that point you live in regret...and it's not a good place to live.

I can for sure see the "you stay out of my place I'll stay out of yours" scenario.......but I just simply do not think it will work with your situation......not without doing serious damage to your relationship to your other and your child..........to both of them the parents you want nothing to do with are a huge part of their lives.....their is not a whole lot your gonna do to change that.

[Chai]

You guys tried to talk it out?

How did they respond to the question of: How is it that you can tell your daughter I am not welcome at your place, but then take a nice casual stroll to my place and not expect to be KO'd the moment you walk in?

I would remind them that its a two way street, and they chose to burn the bridge, which means neither party can cross it. They are trying to create a situation where they have the run of the mill, but you are limited. If you let that happen, they will continue to press those boundries inward until they have you proverbially trapped.

Im not so sure about the shoving matches, but its good to let them know they crossed the line and it aint gonna fly. Its better than having them walk all over you, grinning at you in public and talking sheist about you in private.

The last time an overprotective father tried to pull some antics I capped the video from our surveilance cameras and sent the MP4 to his wife. If theres one person on the planet who can discipline an old man set in his ways, its the lady hes been married to for 30+ years. He was over at the place sweeping and vacuuming all the glass from the bottles he busted up in our drive way while we were at work clandestine style. Saw that on the camera too. Oh look honey, the driveway's clean again.

[Ungood]

Sometimes the bigger man is one who "backs down", at least a little...

I hate to be the bringer of reality into this, as that sounds really good on paper, but it seldom if ever works in reality. If he starts to back down now, she and her parents will expect him to back down on other issues and it will be a long hard fight for him to gain any control over his life and home again.

If they want to compromise, fine, as long as it is a compromise and not him just giving in.

[Drekisen]

I hate to be the bringer of reality into this, as that sounds really good on paper, but it seldom if ever works in reality. If he starts to back down now, she and her parents will expect him to back down on other issues and it will be a long hard fight for him to gain any control over his life and home again.

If they want to compromise, fine, as long as it is a compromise and not him just giving in.

^THIS! absotively!

Backing down is fine if you were wrong to begin with and know it, and can also catch yourself in time to do so.........compromise is the only way to go though if neither party is actually wrong but do disagree.......at the very very least avoidance is a must.