RL Drama, my house is my castle!

[Ungood]

Anyone who bars you from there home gives up the right to enter yours. Period. They can't have it both ways. Do what you feel you must but be prepared to face what comes.

^This.

I would say, as much as your GF may love her parents, you need to make it known to her that this is how it will be. As long as they refuse you in their home, your home is off limits to them.

And hold to that. If they change their tone and open their door to you, then you man up and do the same.

[wax_on_wax_off]

^This.

I would say, as much as your GF may love her parents, you need to make it known to her that this is how it will be. As long as they refuse you in their home, your home is off limits to them.

And hold to that. If they change their tone and open their door to you, then you man up and do the same.

I'm not sure that this works, it isn't inconvenient for me not to go to their house but it is thoroughly impractical for them not to be able to come to ours.

For this reason I wouldn't even need to be welcomed back to their house. It would be perfectly acceptable for them to just observe the fact that at this point in time they aren't welcome in my house. If they could do that for a period of time then I could see a point in the future where I'd be happy to invite them into my house if they actually had the humility to ask for an invitation.

[RedDragonScale]

w_o_w_o, I am with you on this. If you're not welcome in your "partner's" house, you are absolutely correct in saying her parents aren't welcome in yours.

If your "partner" really cared that much about having her parents over, she needs to get your ban rescinded at her parents' house.

(I am assuming the house wasn't hers before you guys got together. Because if it's actually "hers," you're out of luck IMHO.)

[Galeria]

You are headed for a divorce. Clearly.

She won't put up with the tension forever. You apparently are ready to dump her over this hatred of her parents; she has to know by now that your pride is more important to you than her feelings.

She'll put up with it while the baby is little but eventually, she will find someone who loves her enough to tolerate her abrasive parents and is grown up enough not to force her into the middle of the conflict.

Enjoy it while it lasts because you won't be living with your daughter for long. Unless you grow up.

[Missing_Minds]

OP, if you have a desire to work this out with your partner's parents (I see you haven't called her wife, and I don't know the nuances of Australian culture)

what I'd do...
1. No. They don't enter yours, you don't enter theirs.
2. Any meetings take place at third party areas. Open to the public.
3. Your partner should NOT go behind your back in getting her parents over into your domain. That breaks trust so freaking fast.
4. You and your partner may need counseling. This sounds to be a huge issue for her and could ultimately cause a breakup. One or both of you clearly isn't hearing the other side.

And see how things go from there. BOTH sides must be willing to work at it otherwise it will always fail and you will never be the alpha of your home.

Or who knows.. maybe you two just need to rent a boxing ring and go at it, screaming at each other so both fo you finally say exactly what you feel at the other while knocking each other's block off. (What? Works in movies, don't it. )

[Myrddinman]

Wax, I do not envy your situation brother! I am curious though...I know that you have mentioned that your partner's response has been to somewhat ignore and gloss over the issue, but what has been her response to asking her to help mitigate and resolve this issue?

It seems to me, as you both have personal stakes (obviously for each other and for your child) in this situation, and I would like to think she is working with both sides to resolve this. There has been a lot of talk about the parents and you, but it seems like she could be willingly enabling some of this negative behavior.

[Galeria]

You can spend all your time worrying about who's right and who's wrong and who should bend to who's rule... but the bottom line is you are making your partner miserable. And you don't seem to care about that.

[Postumus]

A:
1. You partner loves her parents.
2. You love your partner.
1+2= you cannot divide them or you will lose your partner, or at the very least she WILL harbor a sinking feeling all the time. Even if she does not tell you she is, SHE IS. It will always be there, coloring your entire relationship.


B:
1. You seem to be lucky in that her parents are willing to help.
2. Grandparent are VERY important in a child's life, does not matter if YOU hate them. (Unless they are abusive etc, then there is no question; I am assuming "normal" people who want to see their grand-kids and help out.)
3. Your kid is still a baby, but VERY fast they grow and will be aware of tension from a VERY youg age. = NOT GOOD.
4. 1+2+3= you need to allow access to the grandparents to your child.


Only way I can see it, is to simply avoid all contact between you and her parents. Do not fight with them, do not speak with them. Do not see them. Yes get up the courage to drop your kid off by them if needed, or let them pick your kid up and just say here ya go, cya later. If they come over, just leave, go for a smoke, play DDO in the computer room and kill some knolls imagine they are her parents, go m________e in the bathroom, I dunno something.

Yes it's your house, but do not forget it's your partners too. (I don't care if you are the official owner and she is not, if that is the case. It is her HOME.)

For your child's sake and your partners sake and your own bloodpressure's sake, just ignore them. It makes you a better person, will improve your partner's mood and you gain free babysitters. Win win win. You do not have the luxury, as a parent, to so much pride.

I agree with this position. Obviously there is bad blood, but it if you want to be with your partner and raise a child with her, this is one of those BIG compromises you have to give in to.

Be the bigger man, just ignore the parents or leave, but forcing your partner to adhere to the 'not in my house' rule isn't working and only will only be the source of more strife.

Unless they are stealing from you or endangering your partner or child, just work it out with your partner that the parents can come over when you're gone or when they come over you'll be hiding in the mancave, doing yardwork, whatever.

They're family, basically, so you don't have to like them, but you're stuck with them as long as you and your partner are together.

[Postumus]

Anyone who bars you from there home gives up the right to enter yours. Period. They can't have it both ways. Do what you feel you must but be prepared to face what comes.

Destroying an otherwise worthwhile relationship over a point of pride is juvenile. People in relationships that last learn to make compromises they can live with.

OP take satisfaction in that you are the bigger man, and that you are allowing your partner to continue having the relationship with her parents that she obviously values. Not to mention your child's relationship with his/her grandparents (assuming they aren't abusive).

[Postumus]

It would be perfectly acceptable for them to just observe the fact that at this point in time they aren't welcome in my house. If they could do that for a period of time then I could see a point in the future where I'd be happy to invite them into my house if they actually had the humility to ask for an invitation.

Just bite the bullet and accelerate this time frame yourself. Know that you aren't giving in or giving up, you are making a conscious choice to be the better person for the good of the big picture.

That takes a lot more guts and conviction to do that than maintaining the current "well if I'm not welcome in YOUR house, then you aren't welcome in MY house" stand off.

[Missing_Minds]

Be the bigger man, just ignore the parents or leave, but forcing your partner to adhere to the 'not in my house' rule isn't working and only will only be the source of more strife.

Unless they are stealing from you or endangering your partner or child, just work it out with your partner that the parents can come over when you're gone or when they come over you'll be hiding in the mancave, doing yardwork, whatever.

They're family, basically, so you don't have to like them, but you're stuck with them as long as you and your partner are together.

There can be more to it than just black and white like this.

Point in fact. My friend recently got kicked out of his house for about a year due to child services. Why? The inlaw. The inlaw does NOT like him what so ever, but the child loves grandma (even though grandma keeps breaking her word to the kid. got to love kids) Grandma always badmouths my friend both infront of and behind AND around the child so much that the child started to repeat all of it.
A question got asked at school and the kid repeated what grandma said all because that is what he thought the school wanted to hear. (incidentally the court ordered psycs have classified the child as a Tall Tale teller. An adult would probably have been classified as a pathological lier.) This caused all sort of problems and legal costs, let alone the child social worker assigned to their case initially was a royal f up.

So no, if they are poison you don't deal with the inlaws. Luckly in his case, his wife agreed, no more grandma. Wife was NOT happy with what her mother did either. And my friend? Well.. he tried "being the man" as it were and ignoring things, letting some things pass, etc. Look where that got him.

[Ganolyn]

I agree that if they can't be respectful enough of you and their daughter's relationship to tolerate you in their house, then you have no obligation to tolerate them in yours (assuming you are the legal title holder and your partner has no legal claim to it).

I personally wouldn't give **** about what they thought of me or even what they said to their daughter about me. It is her choice to ignore or defend you against that type of vitriol. I would, however, be very concerned with what they were to say to my child about me behind my back when she is visiting them. They have no right to try and poison your child against you and that would get a very negative response from me if it happened.

[Miow]

I didn't bother to read everyone's advice but the one thing i can tell is the person who is getting hurt here is your partner and daughter. You and her parents are hurting them.


Sometimes you need to let things go, find a way to work things out without your partner being in the middle.

[Missing_Minds]

*sigh* Posters blaming only one party need to wake up, as these things seldom ever so simply one sided.

Partner is hurting him by ignoring his feelings and getting her parents over.
Her parents are causing strife causing more pain.
He doesn't want them there causing her pain.

Lots of pain being caused all around, and it will take the work of ALL not just him to resolve it.

[Myrddinman]

*sigh* Posters blaming only one party need to wake up, as these things seldom ever so simply one sided.

Partner is hurting him by ignoring his feelings and getting her parents over.
Her parents are causing strife causing more pain.
He doesn't want them there causing her pain.

Lots of pain being caused all around, and it will take the work of ALL not just him to resolve it.

^QFT

All parties have some bit of responsibility in this and everyone needs to own their part in the fiasco. It is not up to one person to change or make amends.

[Postumus]

There can be more to it than just black and white like this.


So no, if they are poison you don't deal with the inlaws.

Well first you say it can be more than just black and white, then you make it black and white? The inlaws are either poison or they aren't?

Based SOLELY on the information provided in the OP, this sounds like a ***-for-tat response to me. I hear the OP saying "I think I want to stay with her, but I don't like the way the parents treat me and I don't feel like she's on my side in this." I don't hear anything along the lines of the anecdote you posted.

Obviously you and I don't know the details or history here. I'm sure if we spoke to the parents we might hear a completely different story. Same thing if we spoke to the partner.

The therapy suggestion would probably be the best route at this point since an unbiased professional can help negotiate a compromise between them. The OP doesn't even need to go to couple's therapist to explore how to best he should resolve this; he could see someone on his own and discuss it.

[Postumus]

Lots of pain being caused all around, and it will take the work of ALL not just him to resolve it.

So we all need to 'wake up' because we disagree with you, eh?

Well, 'everyone working together to resolve a conflict' works great on TV, but it is not always so successful in RL. I don't know how old you are, or what your family experiences have been, but sometimes there are people in our lives with whom we must interact (family, work, etc) who are irrational, obstinate, or refuse to take any responsibility for their actions or role in a conflict.

To get to workable compromise, usually one of the parties has to take the high road.

The OP has implied that he is open to some change in the status quo at some point so I'm guessing he's capable of being the bigger person here and recognizing that what he has to lose by not compromising is much more than what he has to gain by try to keep up a cold war with her parents.

[Missing_Minds]

Well first you say it can be more than just black and white, then you make it black and white? The inlaws are either poison or they aren't?

Correct, they either are or they are not. Question is "when". Right now they (apparently) are poison, but what about later? I'm not a fan of blacklisting parties who are willing to change or do change over time.

But where are ALL of the sources of the poison? Inlaws only? Doubt that if you actually read where I pondered where blame lies.

So as I stated, yes, more than black and white, and they are or they aren't.

To get to workable compromise, usually one of the parties has to take the high road.

Yes, and if no one else compromises guess what. No resolution and BAM, back to pain.

All parties have to work on it.

[wax_on_wax_off]

Thanks for the posts.

Each step of the way I've encouraged my partner to work out a compromise with her parents, I've bypassed her and contacted them through text message (not the nicest text message but it made my feelings clear without DP having to relay them) and suggesting counseling/mediation with an appropriate convener (whether that's a friend, family member, volunteer or professional).

Not actively seeking to resolve the issue beyond this has been a timing thing for me. I've wanted there to be a period of time that there wasn't any aggravation of the issue as at least that could be taken as a sign that no one actively wanted to make the situation worse. If that could have been accomplished then it would have been very possible to return to the old boundaries and - assuming no further incident - eventually allow "sitting room visitation" and possibly initiate a resolution at a neutral place.

[Missing_Minds]

(whether that's a friend, family member, volunteer or professional).

If I got into a case as bad as you have described, I'd be wanting a 3rd party that was not family or close friend of either side, no matter how trusting and valued they are. For obvious reasons, and also just in case if it does turn ugly, people don't blame then causing more loss. That is just my opinion.