RL Drama, my house is my castle!

[wax_on_wax_off]

I'm really not sure why I feel so strongly about this topic. Perhaps from some experiences that I had in share houses growing up, maybe from watching the Australian film "The Castle". Regardless of the cause I do feel very strongly about it and it's about the only time that I'll stand my ground in the face of adversity (as I'm generally quite passive).

Do you feel that your house is your castle? Does this change between boys and girls? Can girls properly understand just how territorial a guy can get about his home?

I've had this ongoing dispute with my partner about her parents. They don't respect me, talk trash behind my back to my partner and generally do their very best to make me feel like I'm worthless.

At one stage her parents indicated that I was no longer welcome in their house and I reciprocated the feeling. However, this is complicated as my house is also my partners house and she is very close to her parents so of course wants to have them over. I was happy to negotiate but my partner was happy to ignore the topic thinking that it would go away if she didn't think about it until events came to a head one day and it resulted in me getting into a shoving match with her dad demanding to be let into my house. After a bit of yelling and arguing he eventually left.

We tried to talk it out but the outcome wasn't very positive and we were certainly very close to breaking up over it. Between the fact that we are a very good couple and we had a child on the way we worked through it. I'm not sure if that was because she saw my side or if she just didn't want to be a single parent.

Towards the end of the pregnancy her parents came over once or twice and sat on our couch which I wasn't very happy about but with my partner being full term I was ok to make an exception as they just wanted to make sure she was ok.

After our daughter was born and things settled down a bit I indicated that usual practices were resumed - no parents in the house - and I thought that it was understood. However, just a few days later the parents came around and I ended up in another shoving match with her dad and I ended up having to put him in a headlock until he indicated that he wouldn't try to enter the house again. Needless to say this resulted in another close to break up situation. The outcome was that I indicated that her parents were no longer welcome in the complex in which we lived (as if they can't behave themselves outside the house then they need to be kept further away).

This was fine for some time until today when my partner told her mum to drop her at our door. I flipped out, I have to say. There was no question about lack of communication either, just this morning she asked if her mum could pick her up and I said no; I also commented that it felt a little inconsiderate as just on the weekend I'd shared with her how upset the whole thing still made me when I was reminded of the situation by something as innocent as going to the beach in the nearby town where her parents often are.

What do you think? Do I have a right to not let her parents in the house we share together in normal circumstances? (barring situations like full term pregnancy)

I tried to be very clear about what would happen in certain situations - if your dad tries to come into the house we'll end up in a fight - it happened - twice, and yet she asks how could I do it? If either of your parents now comes into the complex I'll either end up in a fight with your dad or I'll cause willful damage to your mums car - it happened and again she asks how I could do it?

/rant off

I realise DDO forum is hardly the place for this but it's about all I've got, any constructive feedback is welcome.

[Aurora1979]

this is a very tricky situation really.

I can understand your point, and I do think the premise of A mans/ womans home is their castle. I would defend my property with everything I had in the case of, for example, a burglury. Better to be judged by 12 then carried by 6.

Your situation is different though, It reminds me of a friend of mine. They are not married but they do have a child together and both her parents hate my friend, and he hates them back....

Without prying into all the gory details, where did this animosity come from? I think you need to give us a bit more detail about why you dont get on with them/ vice versa.

[cdbd3rd]

Wow. All my now-ex-dad-in-law did was pull a gun on me (to my back)...


I don't envy your situation, as there's not going to be an easy solution - if any.
It is completely fair and understandable that whatever led your partner's dad to disallow you in their house, should also carry the inverse. Dad has a house, I'd say your partner is fully capable of trekking over to said house when dad feels a need for some visitation.

Quite honestly, your partner is going to have to accept that you and dad are just not going to get along, and needs to help make sure you and him are allowed your space. Him his house, you yours. If that agreement can't be reached, then that bodes ill for future communication/compromises in you're all's future anyway.

Good luck.

[cdbd3rd]

...I think you need to give us a bit more detail about why you dont get on with them/ vice versa.

I have to disagree with this part. The details aren't important. The animosity is there, and sounds like it's not going away any time soon.

The ony fair way to maintain peace in the meanwhile is to keep the two Alphas away from each other, each in their own den. I'm assuming it's not like she's being kept closed away from her parent's and is free to go see them on their turf any time she wants.

[SSFWEl]

Sorry buddy, you need to grow up, and leave some of your pride in the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. I am not a psychologist that will say "make nice". That usually does not work. However:

I say this with 17 years of a good marriage behind me.


A:
1. You partner loves her parents.
2. You love your partner.
1+2= you cannot divide them or you will lose your partner, or at the very least she WILL harbor a sinking feeling all the time. Even if she does not tell you she is, SHE IS. It will always be there, coloring your entire relationship.


B:
1. You seem to be lucky in that her parents are willing to help.
2. Grandparent are VERY important in a child's life, does not matter if YOU hate them. (Unless they are abusive etc, then there is no question; I am assuming "normal" people who want to see their grand-kids and help out.)
3. Your kid is still a baby, but VERY fast they grow and will be aware of tension from a VERY youg age. = NOT GOOD.
4. 1+2+3= you need to allow access to the grandparents to your child.


Only way I can see it, is to simply avoid all contact between you and her parents. Do not fight with them, do not speak with them. Do not see them. Yes get up the courage to drop your kid off by them if needed, or let them pick your kid up and just say here ya go, cya later. If they come over, just leave, go for a smoke, play DDO in the computer room and kill some knolls imagine they are her parents, go m________e in the bathroom, I dunno something.

Yes it's your house, but do not forget it's your partners too. (I don't care if you are the official owner and she is not, if that is the case. It is her HOME.)

For your child's sake and your partners sake and your own bloodpressure's sake, just ignore them. It makes you a better person, will improve your partner's mood and you gain free babysitters. Win win win. You do not have the luxury, as a parent, to so much pride.

Sorry if I am a bit harsh, but from my perspective, the ONLY thing that matters is the good of the child.

I know it's easier said then done, but like the nike tag line, JUST DO IT.

[Aurora1979]

I have to disagree with this part. The details aren't important. The animosity is there, and sounds like it's not going away any time soon.

The ony fair way to maintain peace in the meanwhile is to keep the two Alphas away from each other, each in their own den. I'm assuming it's not like she's being kept closed away from her parent's and is free to go see them on their turf any time she wants.

If he wants to discuss it then I think its important to know the details. Your advice is not very good.

ignore each other and stay away doesnt solve the problem.

What about birthdays and xmas, what about when the kids are older and dad and G dad have a hatred going back years. what if wife/ girlfriend gets bored with having to segragate the 2 men in her life.

Its better to try and resolve a problem, through discussion then to just ignore it and avoid each other when your talking about a family unit.

EDIT: I say the above but it depends on why the argument started, which is why i asked in my first post.

[wax_on_wax_off]

I have to disagree with this part. The details aren't important. The animosity is there, and sounds like it's not going away any time soon.

The ony fair way to maintain peace in the meanwhile is to keep the two Alphas away from each other, each in their own den. I'm assuming it's not like she's being kept closed away from her parent's and is free to go see them on their turf any time she wants.

Thanks, I tried to articulate this in a reply but couldn't find the words and wasn't sure if I should actually give more details.

Sorry buddy, you need to grow up, and leave some of your pride in the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. I am not a psychologist that will say "make nice". That usually does not work. However:

I say this with 17 years of a good marriage behind me.


A:
1. You partner loves her parents.
2. You love your partner.
1+2= you cannot divide them or you will lose your partner, or at the very least she WILL harbor a sinking feeling all the time. Even if she does not tell you she is, SHE IS. It will always be there, coloring your entire relationship.


B:
1. You seem to be lucky in that her parents are willing to help.
2. Grandparent are VERY important in a child's life, does not matter if YOU hate them. (Unless they are abusive etc, then there is no question; I am assuming "normal" people who want to see their grand-kids and help out.)
3. Your kid is still a baby, but VERY fast they grow and will be aware of tension from a VERY youg age. = NOT GOOD.
4. 1+2+3= you need to allow access to the grandparents to your child.


Only way I can see it, is to simply avoid all contact between you and her parents. Do not fight with them, do not speak with them. Do not see them. Yes get up the courage to drop your kid off by them if needed, or let them pick your kid up and just say here ya go, cya later. If they come over, just leave, go for a smoke, play DDO in the computer room and kill some knolls imagine they are her parents, go m________e in the bathroom, I dunno something.

Yes it's your house, but do not forget it's your partners too. (I don't care if you are the official owner and she is not, if that is the case. It is her HOME.)

For your child's sake and your partners sake and your own bloodpressure's sake, just ignore them. It makes you a better person, will improve your partner's mood and you gain free babysitters. Win win win. You do not have the luxury, as a parent, to so much pride.

Sorry if I am a bit harsh, but from my perspective, the ONLY thing that matters is the good of the child.

I know it's easier said then done, but like the nike tag line, JUST DO IT.

Thanks for the feedback. Let me see how I go with this:
A. Absolutely, my partner has a very close bond with her parents and I'd never try to separate them and constantly encourage her to go and visit them and am happy that they are having quality time with my daughter. As cdbd3rd says though, this doesn't have to happen in our home, it can happen elsewhere.
B. The idea of the tension and access is much of why I'm refusing to swallow my pride. I don't want awkward birthdays in the future where there is a giant white elephant in the room. My general view is that either the in laws learn to play nice or I'll do my best to never be in the same room as them so that my daughter never has to experience that tension and awkwardness.

I'd be perfectly fine with a scenario in the future where 1 or both of the in laws can come into the sitting room briefly when picking up or dropping off or even more. However, before I can be comfortable with that some basic respect is required, ie, you ask someones permission before you enter their house (to clarify, when I refused access in the past my partner was silent, it wasn't like she invited them in).

[Aurora1979]

your reply shows you have made your decision. Im not going to say its a bad one.... because we dont have the full details no one here can advise you properly.

The other 2 people have given you advice which is similar to what you do/ want to do already, avoid them and stay away.

If thats what you want to do then thats probably the right thing for you in your situation.

I would ask you to think about the full picture though.

Many families get torn apart by old arguments that have festered for years.

[wax_on_wax_off]

If he wants to discuss it then I think its important to know the details. Your advice is not very good.

ignore each other and stay away doesnt solve the problem.

What about birthdays and xmas, what about when the kids are older and dad and G dad have a hatred going back years. what if wife/ girlfriend gets bored with having to segragate the 2 men in her life.

Its better to try and resolve a problem, through discussion then to just ignore it and avoid each other when your talking about a family unit.

EDIT: I say the above but it depends on why the argument started, which is why i asked in my first post.

I feel much the same.

Unfortunately, however, I don't think that it will be possible to resolve anything until both parties at least have a basic level of respect for each other.

[wax_on_wax_off]

your reply shows you have made your decision. Im not going to say its a bad one.... because we dont have the full details no one here can advise you properly.

The other 2 people have given you advice which is similar to what you do/ want to do already, avoid them and stay away.

If thats what you want to do then thats probably the right thing for you in your situation.

I would ask you to think about the full picture though.

Many families get torn apart by old arguments that have festered for years.

It is true that I'm fairly set on my path already, I'm a stubborn git and I'm very much aware that pride is a significant factor in my decisions.

However, staying away for ever was never my objective. This issue for me is the lack of even the most basic forms of courtesy and I really don't think that any relationship or reparations can be made until these really basic things can be observed (like asking permission before going into someones house).

Despite how bad things are right now I can still envisage a scenario in the future where we can actually all attend a birthday together without tension and white elephants. In my opinion though the steps taken to get there do not include pretending that I'm okay with the events that have happened so far - which seems to be the suggestion or would at least be the outcome of "swallowing my pride".

[Aurora1979]

It is true that I'm fairly set on my path already, I'm a stubborn git and I'm very much aware that pride is a significant factor in my decisions.

However, staying away for ever was never my objective. This issue for me is the lack of even the most basic forms of courtesy and I really don't think that any relationship or reparations can be made until these really basic things can be observed (like asking permission before going into someones house).

Despite how bad things are right now I can still envisage a scenario in the future where we can actually all attend a birthday together without tension and white elephants. In my opinion though the steps taken to get there do not include pretending that I'm okay with the events that have happened so far - which seems to be the suggestion or would at least be the outcome of "swallowing my pride".

I cant really tell who should be swallowing {their} pride as I dont know the situation. I would never have suggested crawling back on knees begging forgiveness.

I was looking to find out why the animosity arose. Then could try to advise you properly.

If you have a valid reason to actually dislike him then thats perfectly understandable but you can still negotiate a truce without rolling over.

Ive got quite a bit of experiance here, but have never tried to advise on the net, or an open forum and probably shouldnt be doing that anyway.

Also, from your first post it sounded like you were just as ready to lamp him as you were to allow him in if he asked so... again, i didnt know how to advise because I didnt have much information.

I wont give anymore advice, because Im not doing very well explaining myself. if you feel things will quieten down in the future and then you can, at least, tolerate each other being in the same building then thats fine. My only point/ concern was you building a bigger hatred of each other and things escalating out of control.

[Delt]

If avoidance, not resolution, is the only solution you can manage to emotionally handle - ok. But at least swallow your pride enough to set reasonable boundries that don't end with you scuffling with inlaws due to simple proximity. Fine, maybe the inlaws aren't welcome for dinner until there is an apology or dialog, but dropping off your child too close? Moronic.

The fact that you seem genuinely surprised your partner is upset suggests you may be a little disordered to boot...

I feel much the same.

Unfortunately, however, I don't think that it will be possible to resolve anything until both parties at least have a basic level of respect for each other.

Your story indicates both parties have no respect for your "partner". Start there, if nowhere else.

[Havok.cry]

Anyone who bars you from there home gives up the right to enter yours. Period. They can't have it both ways. Do what you feel you must but be prepared to face what comes.

[BDog77]

I'm not fully gonna agree with Delt here, but I will ask you, wax, why the title of your thread is not "My house is OUR castle...".

The only thing I demand in a relationship is that me and my partner are a team. This does not mean we march in lockstep, or always see eye to eye, but when the chips are down, I have her back, and she has mine. This means, of course, that our home is OUR home, and that we both feel as comfortable in it as we did in the homes we grew up in. If this means that I have to swallow some pride at times to keep it this way, that's ok, because I know there are times that she has to do the same.

Also, it might interest you to know that the 2 most listed reasons for women cheating are a feeling that "we wouldn't even be together if it wasn't for this kid...." and a feeling that their partner let them down at some point....

These things fester....

[wax_on_wax_off]

I'm not fully gonna agree with Delt here, but I will ask you, wax, why the title of your thread is not "My house is OUR castle...".

The only thing I demand in a relationship is that me and my partner are a team. This does not mean we march in lockstep, or always see eye to eye, but when the chips are down, I have her back, and she has mine. This means, of course, that our home is OUR home, and that we both feel as comfortable in it as we did in the homes we grew up in. If this means that I have to swallow some pride at times to keep it this way, that's ok, because I know there are times that she has to do the same.

Also, it might interest you to know that the 2 most listed reasons for women cheating are a feeling that "we wouldn't even be together if it wasn't for this kid...." and a feeling that their partner let them down at some point....

These things fester....

Maybe a Freudian slip. Certainly it is a saying and possibly a line in the referenced movie. Also the feelings that are involved go back much further than my relationship with my partner.

The middle part of your post is exactly why I'm here where I am now. For me to feel as comfortable in my house as the home that I grew up in I have to be comfortable with the people that are coming into it. I think everyone feels this a little bit but I'll readily admit that I feel it more than most.

To Delt: If ever there was an indication from the other party that they wanted to mend fences and engage in compromise and reparation then I would be there with bells on. Unfortunately, however, DPs Dad is as stubborn as I am so it doesn't look like that is going to happen.

[wax_on_wax_off]

If avoidance, not resolution, is the only solution you can manage to emotionally handle - ok. But at least swallow your pride enough to set reasonable boundries that don't end with you scuffling with inlaws due to simple proximity. Fine, maybe the inlaws aren't welcome for dinner until there is an apology or dialog, but dropping off your child too close? Moronic.

The fact that you seem genuinely surprised your partner is upset suggests you may be a little disordered to boot...

I tried with reasonable boundaries: don't come into my home after you've banned me from yours. Unfortunately that didn't work and on 2 occasions resulted in shoving/yelling/actual brawl. After the 2nd time it was obvious that the boundaries would have to be expanded to avoid further repetition.

[Havok.cry]

I tried with reasonable boundaries: don't come into my home after you've banned me from yours. Unfortunately that didn't work and on 2 occasions resulted in shoving/yelling/actual brawl. After the 2nd time it was obvious that the boundaries would have to be expanded to avoid further repetition.

I disagree with your assessment. If they ignored your boundries, making them bigger will just make them ignore them more.

[HarveyMilk]

Wax,

I think you may benefit from realizing a few things.

- You, your partner, her parents and your daughter, could all be dead tomorrow. Life is precious.

- You can only do the best you can as yourself. Other people's behavior is none of your business.

- You want to play a supportive role in your partner's and your daughter's relationship with your partner's parents. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and break down the resentment. You want to get the place, mentally, where your partner's mother and father's opinions of you, whether you're allowed in their house or not, etc... no longer cause you suffering. You need to accept it and find a more constructive angle. It may be by talking to your partner, and saying something like, "Honey, I've decided to make a big change in my life for your happiness, mine and our daughter's. I'm going to end all of my hostilities with your parents. I know I can't change how they think or feel about me, but I want to make it right."

Now, it's up to you to figure out the details and make the peace genuine and honest for you. Remember, you're doing it for the people you love, in order to make everyone's lives better.

[wax_on_wax_off]

I disagree with your assessment. If they ignored your boundries, making them bigger will just make them ignore them more.

I guess my theory is that people respond to incentives.

[wax_on_wax_off]

Wax,

I think you may benefit from realizing a few things.

- You, your partner, her parents and your daughter, could all be dead tomorrow. Life is precious.

- You can only do the best you can as yourself. Other people's behavior is none of your business.

- You want to play a supportive role in your partner's and your daughter's relationship with your partner's parents. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and break down the resentment. You want to get the place, mentally, where your partner's mother and father's opinions of you, whether you're allowed in their house or not, etc... no longer cause you suffering. You need to accept it and find a more constructive angle. It may be by talking to your partner, and saying something like, "Honey, I've decided to make a big change in my life for your happiness, mine and our daughter's. I'm going to end all of my hostilities with your parents. I know I can't change how they think or feel about me, but I want to make it right."

Now, it's up to you to figure out the details and make the peace genuine and honest for you. Remember, you're doing it for the people you love, in order to make everyone's lives better.

Honestly, no matter how I look at it I think what it comes down to is that I can't be a willing participant in my DD having a relationship with people that would act in such a way.

If there is a possibility for the other party to modify their behaviour to observe this basic social value (as I see it) then that will show a path to a genuine and honest peace.