RL Drama, my house is my castle!

[wax_on_wax_off]

I'm really not sure why I feel so strongly about this topic. Perhaps from some experiences that I had in share houses growing up, maybe from watching the Australian film "The Castle". Regardless of the cause I do feel very strongly about it and it's about the only time that I'll stand my ground in the face of adversity (as I'm generally quite passive).

Do you feel that your house is your castle? Does this change between boys and girls? Can girls properly understand just how territorial a guy can get about his home?

I've had this ongoing dispute with my partner about her parents. They don't respect me, talk trash behind my back to my partner and generally do their very best to make me feel like I'm worthless.

At one stage her parents indicated that I was no longer welcome in their house and I reciprocated the feeling. However, this is complicated as my house is also my partners house and she is very close to her parents so of course wants to have them over. I was happy to negotiate but my partner was happy to ignore the topic thinking that it would go away if she didn't think about it until events came to a head one day and it resulted in me getting into a shoving match with her dad demanding to be let into my house. After a bit of yelling and arguing he eventually left.

We tried to talk it out but the outcome wasn't very positive and we were certainly very close to breaking up over it. Between the fact that we are a very good couple and we had a child on the way we worked through it. I'm not sure if that was because she saw my side or if she just didn't want to be a single parent.

Towards the end of the pregnancy her parents came over once or twice and sat on our couch which I wasn't very happy about but with my partner being full term I was ok to make an exception as they just wanted to make sure she was ok.

After our daughter was born and things settled down a bit I indicated that usual practices were resumed - no parents in the house - and I thought that it was understood. However, just a few days later the parents came around and I ended up in another shoving match with her dad and I ended up having to put him in a headlock until he indicated that he wouldn't try to enter the house again. Needless to say this resulted in another close to break up situation. The outcome was that I indicated that her parents were no longer welcome in the complex in which we lived (as if they can't behave themselves outside the house then they need to be kept further away).

This was fine for some time until today when my partner told her mum to drop her at our door. I flipped out, I have to say. There was no question about lack of communication either, just this morning she asked if her mum could pick her up and I said no; I also commented that it felt a little inconsiderate as just on the weekend I'd shared with her how upset the whole thing still made me when I was reminded of the situation by something as innocent as going to the beach in the nearby town where her parents often are.

What do you think? Do I have a right to not let her parents in the house we share together in normal circumstances? (barring situations like full term pregnancy)

I tried to be very clear about what would happen in certain situations - if your dad tries to come into the house we'll end up in a fight - it happened - twice, and yet she asks how could I do it? If either of your parents now comes into the complex I'll either end up in a fight with your dad or I'll cause willful damage to your mums car - it happened and again she asks how I could do it?

/rant off

I realise DDO forum is hardly the place for this but it's about all I've got, any constructive feedback is welcome.

[Aurora1979]

this is a very tricky situation really.

I can understand your point, and I do think the premise of A mans/ womans home is their castle. I would defend my property with everything I had in the case of, for example, a burglury. Better to be judged by 12 then carried by 6.

Your situation is different though, It reminds me of a friend of mine. They are not married but they do have a child together and both her parents hate my friend, and he hates them back....

Without prying into all the gory details, where did this animosity come from? I think you need to give us a bit more detail about why you dont get on with them/ vice versa.

[cdbd3rd]

...I think you need to give us a bit more detail about why you dont get on with them/ vice versa.

I have to disagree with this part. The details aren't important. The animosity is there, and sounds like it's not going away any time soon.

The ony fair way to maintain peace in the meanwhile is to keep the two Alphas away from each other, each in their own den. I'm assuming it's not like she's being kept closed away from her parent's and is free to go see them on their turf any time she wants.

[Aurora1979]

I have to disagree with this part. The details aren't important. The animosity is there, and sounds like it's not going away any time soon.

The ony fair way to maintain peace in the meanwhile is to keep the two Alphas away from each other, each in their own den. I'm assuming it's not like she's being kept closed away from her parent's and is free to go see them on their turf any time she wants.

If he wants to discuss it then I think its important to know the details. Your advice is not very good.

ignore each other and stay away doesnt solve the problem.

What about birthdays and xmas, what about when the kids are older and dad and G dad have a hatred going back years. what if wife/ girlfriend gets bored with having to segragate the 2 men in her life.

Its better to try and resolve a problem, through discussion then to just ignore it and avoid each other when your talking about a family unit.

EDIT: I say the above but it depends on why the argument started, which is why i asked in my first post.

[wax_on_wax_off]

If he wants to discuss it then I think its important to know the details. Your advice is not very good.

ignore each other and stay away doesnt solve the problem.

What about birthdays and xmas, what about when the kids are older and dad and G dad have a hatred going back years. what if wife/ girlfriend gets bored with having to segragate the 2 men in her life.

Its better to try and resolve a problem, through discussion then to just ignore it and avoid each other when your talking about a family unit.

EDIT: I say the above but it depends on why the argument started, which is why i asked in my first post.

I feel much the same.

Unfortunately, however, I don't think that it will be possible to resolve anything until both parties at least have a basic level of respect for each other.

[cdbd3rd]

Wow. All my now-ex-dad-in-law did was pull a gun on me (to my back)...


I don't envy your situation, as there's not going to be an easy solution - if any.
It is completely fair and understandable that whatever led your partner's dad to disallow you in their house, should also carry the inverse. Dad has a house, I'd say your partner is fully capable of trekking over to said house when dad feels a need for some visitation.

Quite honestly, your partner is going to have to accept that you and dad are just not going to get along, and needs to help make sure you and him are allowed your space. Him his house, you yours. If that agreement can't be reached, then that bodes ill for future communication/compromises in you're all's future anyway.

Good luck.

[SSFWEl]

Sorry buddy, you need to grow up, and leave some of your pride in the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. I am not a psychologist that will say "make nice". That usually does not work. However:

I say this with 17 years of a good marriage behind me.


A:
1. You partner loves her parents.
2. You love your partner.
1+2= you cannot divide them or you will lose your partner, or at the very least she WILL harbor a sinking feeling all the time. Even if she does not tell you she is, SHE IS. It will always be there, coloring your entire relationship.


B:
1. You seem to be lucky in that her parents are willing to help.
2. Grandparent are VERY important in a child's life, does not matter if YOU hate them. (Unless they are abusive etc, then there is no question; I am assuming "normal" people who want to see their grand-kids and help out.)
3. Your kid is still a baby, but VERY fast they grow and will be aware of tension from a VERY youg age. = NOT GOOD.
4. 1+2+3= you need to allow access to the grandparents to your child.


Only way I can see it, is to simply avoid all contact between you and her parents. Do not fight with them, do not speak with them. Do not see them. Yes get up the courage to drop your kid off by them if needed, or let them pick your kid up and just say here ya go, cya later. If they come over, just leave, go for a smoke, play DDO in the computer room and kill some knolls imagine they are her parents, go m________e in the bathroom, I dunno something.

Yes it's your house, but do not forget it's your partners too. (I don't care if you are the official owner and she is not, if that is the case. It is her HOME.)

For your child's sake and your partners sake and your own bloodpressure's sake, just ignore them. It makes you a better person, will improve your partner's mood and you gain free babysitters. Win win win. You do not have the luxury, as a parent, to so much pride.

Sorry if I am a bit harsh, but from my perspective, the ONLY thing that matters is the good of the child.

I know it's easier said then done, but like the nike tag line, JUST DO IT.

[wax_on_wax_off]

I have to disagree with this part. The details aren't important. The animosity is there, and sounds like it's not going away any time soon.

The ony fair way to maintain peace in the meanwhile is to keep the two Alphas away from each other, each in their own den. I'm assuming it's not like she's being kept closed away from her parent's and is free to go see them on their turf any time she wants.

Thanks, I tried to articulate this in a reply but couldn't find the words and wasn't sure if I should actually give more details.

Sorry buddy, you need to grow up, and leave some of your pride in the bathroom and flush it down the toilet. I am not a psychologist that will say "make nice". That usually does not work. However:

I say this with 17 years of a good marriage behind me.


A:
1. You partner loves her parents.
2. You love your partner.
1+2= you cannot divide them or you will lose your partner, or at the very least she WILL harbor a sinking feeling all the time. Even if she does not tell you she is, SHE IS. It will always be there, coloring your entire relationship.


B:
1. You seem to be lucky in that her parents are willing to help.
2. Grandparent are VERY important in a child's life, does not matter if YOU hate them. (Unless they are abusive etc, then there is no question; I am assuming "normal" people who want to see their grand-kids and help out.)
3. Your kid is still a baby, but VERY fast they grow and will be aware of tension from a VERY youg age. = NOT GOOD.
4. 1+2+3= you need to allow access to the grandparents to your child.


Only way I can see it, is to simply avoid all contact between you and her parents. Do not fight with them, do not speak with them. Do not see them. Yes get up the courage to drop your kid off by them if needed, or let them pick your kid up and just say here ya go, cya later. If they come over, just leave, go for a smoke, play DDO in the computer room and kill some knolls imagine they are her parents, go m________e in the bathroom, I dunno something.

Yes it's your house, but do not forget it's your partners too. (I don't care if you are the official owner and she is not, if that is the case. It is her HOME.)

For your child's sake and your partners sake and your own bloodpressure's sake, just ignore them. It makes you a better person, will improve your partner's mood and you gain free babysitters. Win win win. You do not have the luxury, as a parent, to so much pride.

Sorry if I am a bit harsh, but from my perspective, the ONLY thing that matters is the good of the child.

I know it's easier said then done, but like the nike tag line, JUST DO IT.

Thanks for the feedback. Let me see how I go with this:
A. Absolutely, my partner has a very close bond with her parents and I'd never try to separate them and constantly encourage her to go and visit them and am happy that they are having quality time with my daughter. As cdbd3rd says though, this doesn't have to happen in our home, it can happen elsewhere.
B. The idea of the tension and access is much of why I'm refusing to swallow my pride. I don't want awkward birthdays in the future where there is a giant white elephant in the room. My general view is that either the in laws learn to play nice or I'll do my best to never be in the same room as them so that my daughter never has to experience that tension and awkwardness.

I'd be perfectly fine with a scenario in the future where 1 or both of the in laws can come into the sitting room briefly when picking up or dropping off or even more. However, before I can be comfortable with that some basic respect is required, ie, you ask someones permission before you enter their house (to clarify, when I refused access in the past my partner was silent, it wasn't like she invited them in).

[Postumus]

A:
1. You partner loves her parents.
2. You love your partner.
1+2= you cannot divide them or you will lose your partner, or at the very least she WILL harbor a sinking feeling all the time. Even if she does not tell you she is, SHE IS. It will always be there, coloring your entire relationship.


B:
1. You seem to be lucky in that her parents are willing to help.
2. Grandparent are VERY important in a child's life, does not matter if YOU hate them. (Unless they are abusive etc, then there is no question; I am assuming "normal" people who want to see their grand-kids and help out.)
3. Your kid is still a baby, but VERY fast they grow and will be aware of tension from a VERY youg age. = NOT GOOD.
4. 1+2+3= you need to allow access to the grandparents to your child.


Only way I can see it, is to simply avoid all contact between you and her parents. Do not fight with them, do not speak with them. Do not see them. Yes get up the courage to drop your kid off by them if needed, or let them pick your kid up and just say here ya go, cya later. If they come over, just leave, go for a smoke, play DDO in the computer room and kill some knolls imagine they are her parents, go m________e in the bathroom, I dunno something.

Yes it's your house, but do not forget it's your partners too. (I don't care if you are the official owner and she is not, if that is the case. It is her HOME.)

For your child's sake and your partners sake and your own bloodpressure's sake, just ignore them. It makes you a better person, will improve your partner's mood and you gain free babysitters. Win win win. You do not have the luxury, as a parent, to so much pride.

I agree with this position. Obviously there is bad blood, but it if you want to be with your partner and raise a child with her, this is one of those BIG compromises you have to give in to.

Be the bigger man, just ignore the parents or leave, but forcing your partner to adhere to the 'not in my house' rule isn't working and only will only be the source of more strife.

Unless they are stealing from you or endangering your partner or child, just work it out with your partner that the parents can come over when you're gone or when they come over you'll be hiding in the mancave, doing yardwork, whatever.

They're family, basically, so you don't have to like them, but you're stuck with them as long as you and your partner are together.

[Missing_Minds]

Be the bigger man, just ignore the parents or leave, but forcing your partner to adhere to the 'not in my house' rule isn't working and only will only be the source of more strife.

Unless they are stealing from you or endangering your partner or child, just work it out with your partner that the parents can come over when you're gone or when they come over you'll be hiding in the mancave, doing yardwork, whatever.

They're family, basically, so you don't have to like them, but you're stuck with them as long as you and your partner are together.

There can be more to it than just black and white like this.

Point in fact. My friend recently got kicked out of his house for about a year due to child services. Why? The inlaw. The inlaw does NOT like him what so ever, but the child loves grandma (even though grandma keeps breaking her word to the kid. got to love kids) Grandma always badmouths my friend both infront of and behind AND around the child so much that the child started to repeat all of it.
A question got asked at school and the kid repeated what grandma said all because that is what he thought the school wanted to hear. (incidentally the court ordered psycs have classified the child as a Tall Tale teller. An adult would probably have been classified as a pathological lier.) This caused all sort of problems and legal costs, let alone the child social worker assigned to their case initially was a royal f up.

So no, if they are poison you don't deal with the inlaws. Luckly in his case, his wife agreed, no more grandma. Wife was NOT happy with what her mother did either. And my friend? Well.. he tried "being the man" as it were and ignoring things, letting some things pass, etc. Look where that got him.

[Postumus]

There can be more to it than just black and white like this.


So no, if they are poison you don't deal with the inlaws.

Well first you say it can be more than just black and white, then you make it black and white? The inlaws are either poison or they aren't?

Based SOLELY on the information provided in the OP, this sounds like a ***-for-tat response to me. I hear the OP saying "I think I want to stay with her, but I don't like the way the parents treat me and I don't feel like she's on my side in this." I don't hear anything along the lines of the anecdote you posted.

Obviously you and I don't know the details or history here. I'm sure if we spoke to the parents we might hear a completely different story. Same thing if we spoke to the partner.

The therapy suggestion would probably be the best route at this point since an unbiased professional can help negotiate a compromise between them. The OP doesn't even need to go to couple's therapist to explore how to best he should resolve this; he could see someone on his own and discuss it.

[Missing_Minds]

Well first you say it can be more than just black and white, then you make it black and white? The inlaws are either poison or they aren't?

Correct, they either are or they are not. Question is "when". Right now they (apparently) are poison, but what about later? I'm not a fan of blacklisting parties who are willing to change or do change over time.

But where are ALL of the sources of the poison? Inlaws only? Doubt that if you actually read where I pondered where blame lies.

So as I stated, yes, more than black and white, and they are or they aren't.

To get to workable compromise, usually one of the parties has to take the high road.

Yes, and if no one else compromises guess what. No resolution and BAM, back to pain.

All parties have to work on it.

[Aurora1979]

your reply shows you have made your decision. Im not going to say its a bad one.... because we dont have the full details no one here can advise you properly.

The other 2 people have given you advice which is similar to what you do/ want to do already, avoid them and stay away.

If thats what you want to do then thats probably the right thing for you in your situation.

I would ask you to think about the full picture though.

Many families get torn apart by old arguments that have festered for years.

[wax_on_wax_off]

your reply shows you have made your decision. Im not going to say its a bad one.... because we dont have the full details no one here can advise you properly.

The other 2 people have given you advice which is similar to what you do/ want to do already, avoid them and stay away.

If thats what you want to do then thats probably the right thing for you in your situation.

I would ask you to think about the full picture though.

Many families get torn apart by old arguments that have festered for years.

It is true that I'm fairly set on my path already, I'm a stubborn git and I'm very much aware that pride is a significant factor in my decisions.

However, staying away for ever was never my objective. This issue for me is the lack of even the most basic forms of courtesy and I really don't think that any relationship or reparations can be made until these really basic things can be observed (like asking permission before going into someones house).

Despite how bad things are right now I can still envisage a scenario in the future where we can actually all attend a birthday together without tension and white elephants. In my opinion though the steps taken to get there do not include pretending that I'm okay with the events that have happened so far - which seems to be the suggestion or would at least be the outcome of "swallowing my pride".

[Aurora1979]

It is true that I'm fairly set on my path already, I'm a stubborn git and I'm very much aware that pride is a significant factor in my decisions.

However, staying away for ever was never my objective. This issue for me is the lack of even the most basic forms of courtesy and I really don't think that any relationship or reparations can be made until these really basic things can be observed (like asking permission before going into someones house).

Despite how bad things are right now I can still envisage a scenario in the future where we can actually all attend a birthday together without tension and white elephants. In my opinion though the steps taken to get there do not include pretending that I'm okay with the events that have happened so far - which seems to be the suggestion or would at least be the outcome of "swallowing my pride".

I cant really tell who should be swallowing {their} pride as I dont know the situation. I would never have suggested crawling back on knees begging forgiveness.

I was looking to find out why the animosity arose. Then could try to advise you properly.

If you have a valid reason to actually dislike him then thats perfectly understandable but you can still negotiate a truce without rolling over.

Ive got quite a bit of experiance here, but have never tried to advise on the net, or an open forum and probably shouldnt be doing that anyway.

Also, from your first post it sounded like you were just as ready to lamp him as you were to allow him in if he asked so... again, i didnt know how to advise because I didnt have much information.

I wont give anymore advice, because Im not doing very well explaining myself. if you feel things will quieten down in the future and then you can, at least, tolerate each other being in the same building then thats fine. My only point/ concern was you building a bigger hatred of each other and things escalating out of control.

[Thrudh]

It is true that I'm fairly set on my path already, I'm a stubborn git and I'm very much aware that pride is a significant factor in my decisions.

When your partner leaves you and you only see your daughter every other weekend while some other man (who she may call "Daddy") raises her, at least you can take comfort in your pride.

I think you need to discuss the situation with your partner again, and have her explain your feelings to her parents. She needs to tell them that they have to treat you with respect and courtesy.

And then you have to back down, and let them in the house (after they knock of course) without putting anyone in a headlock.

If the disrespect occurs again, out they go.... And you may have to repeat the whole process a few more times. But you're going to have to give in a LITTLE to start the healing process.

Be the bigger man, and give the parents a few more chances.

Good luck to you.

[Ancient]

I think you need to discuss the situation with your partner again, and have her explain your feelings to her parents. She needs to tell them that they have to treat you with respect and courtesy.

And then you have to back down, and let them in the house (after they knock of course) without putting anyone in a headlock.

In-laws can be a very emotional issue, but big-picture... your relationship with your wife is far far more important. You could make the first move by telling her that if you have too chose between putting up with her parents and losing her that you'll put up with her parents.

It's rough for a guy, but explaining your feelings to your partner will help a lot. In the end, she is in a far better place to deal with her parents behavior than you are. They love her, they inherited you. If she would simply tell her parents that if she has to choose between you and them... she chooses you... and simply ask them not to put her in that position to have to make that choice.

And btw... at least your in-laws knocked before they came in. Took years of compromise to work through the cultural differences, but it was good prep for when we lived next to a sweet little old lady with dimentia who randomly show up in our house, especially around meal times. Really threw my father for a loop when he was visiting one time and our neighbor let her self into our house snuck up behind my dad and gave him a pinch on the butt. My mom is still a little miffed about that. After 20 years of strays, neighbors and in-laws... you'd be hard pressed to surprise me by what goes through my house. I have my little corner, I go hide if it gets too loud, too crazy Headphones and DDO for the win!

[twiliteslayer02]

Very eerie how similar you story is to my own, minus the physical violence.

My situation is much the same, it got tothe point where I had to make an ultimatum and hope , I won, and its now all on my terms, not theirs. the standing truce is civility when face to face, and no open hostilities allowed, from either side. visitation is when I and my girl decide and never at my house it nearly cost me my relationship, but the truth prevailed this time.

Good luck, try to keep your head, violence is almost never a good outcome when dealing with family.

[Delt]

If avoidance, not resolution, is the only solution you can manage to emotionally handle - ok. But at least swallow your pride enough to set reasonable boundries that don't end with you scuffling with inlaws due to simple proximity. Fine, maybe the inlaws aren't welcome for dinner until there is an apology or dialog, but dropping off your child too close? Moronic.

The fact that you seem genuinely surprised your partner is upset suggests you may be a little disordered to boot...

I feel much the same.

Unfortunately, however, I don't think that it will be possible to resolve anything until both parties at least have a basic level of respect for each other.

Your story indicates both parties have no respect for your "partner". Start there, if nowhere else.

[wax_on_wax_off]

If avoidance, not resolution, is the only solution you can manage to emotionally handle - ok. But at least swallow your pride enough to set reasonable boundries that don't end with you scuffling with inlaws due to simple proximity. Fine, maybe the inlaws aren't welcome for dinner until there is an apology or dialog, but dropping off your child too close? Moronic.

The fact that you seem genuinely surprised your partner is upset suggests you may be a little disordered to boot...

I tried with reasonable boundaries: don't come into my home after you've banned me from yours. Unfortunately that didn't work and on 2 occasions resulted in shoving/yelling/actual brawl. After the 2nd time it was obvious that the boundaries would have to be expanded to avoid further repetition.