New syndicated show:"Ask Shaamis!"(tm)

[Shaamis]

Hello everyone!

I made this thread on my guild page last week, and I'm having a ton of fun with it!

My main character Shaamis is well-known on Khyber as the drunkest dwarf in town, and he has his own Talk Show!

Ask Shaamis!

C'mon kids! Aks Shaamis anything your young heart desires!

You might not like the answer, but I guarantee you walk away feeling enlightened or worse!

<Shaamis has his everfull mug shaped phone, standing by>

[Shaamis]

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

DaoMuck said:

Dear Shaamis,

My friends and family have expressed concerns that I might have a problem. They see the way I treat kobolds and say things like: "your morbedly disturbed" and "Do you know the meaning of the world overkill?". I don't know what it is, I see a pack of kobolds and I can't help but unleash an explosive firery death upon them. Are they right, Do I have a problem?

yours truly,

Messed up in Michigan

Well Howdy Messed up!

Your friends sound like they never been chest deep in them stinky lil' buggers! cuz if they did, they wouldn'a be asking such a stupid question!

I say the only good kobold is a skewered, stabbed, roasted, or melted kobold, and dependin' on how much you can stomach, you might think about bodily fluid desecration, just to tell his friends that come back for his body, that YOU MEAN BIZNESS! (and trust me, it works![biggrin])

next caller.

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

Maithu said:

1. Where do Dwarfs go when on vacation?
2. Why do female and male elfs look the same?
3. Why does Turbine think making raids super complicated is fun for the players?
4. How can people stand playing WoW?
5. Why doesn't my co-woker do anything besides check email, and talk on the phone?
6. Do you think that AoC is getting alot of hype b/c there will be naked people?
7. How long till they merge all of DDO onto one server?
8. Will the Browns make the playoffs?
9. Are you regreting this?
10. How long till Blizzard releases either Diablo online or Starcraft online MMO?
11. If a Dwarf hit you, and you laughed at it, would the dwarf cry?
12. Can you tell its a slow work day?
13. How many more times will AoC and/or WAR, release dates be pushed back?
14. Who will beat the Patriots this year?
15. If you had an everfull mug what would be in it? and what kind?
16. Is this enough questions for now?

Well!

Aren't you just the best caller yet!

let me prepare for the answerin' that's about to happen <glug><glug><glug><glug><glug><glug><glug><glug><g lug><glug><glug><glug><glug><glug><glug><glug><glu g><glug><glug><glug><glug><glug><glug>

BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP.

There, now I'm ready!

1.Dwarves go to fernia for vacation, for the fun
2. cuz they don't eat enough red meat
3.cuz they are only working with the tools they are given.
4.easy is as easy does.
5.probably plays pocket pool when you aren't looking.
6.of course! naked, bloody, and tasty (not in that order) is always worth the hype!
7. when Turbine admits they don't have enough budget to give it justice, even though they try.
8. of course!


Halftime!
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TIME!!!!
<BELLLLCH.>
[devil]
moving on.

9.what!?!
10.when the cows stand up, grab their halberds, and begin rebelling again, with their MOOs of discontent.
11. If a dwarf hit ME, I would make HIM cry, speak for yourself <burp.>
12. when it's a slow work day for me, I hit my co-workers as hard as I can, you should try it sometime.
13. 42
14. The Browns! of course!
15.Guiness Stout, nothing but the best :P
16. You call these questions? ok. then yes.

next caller.

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

Kendon Dorak said:

Dear Shaamis,


Ever since being attacked by a black pudding in Tears of Dhakaan, my feet have an aweful stench and the skin is peeling off.

What do I do!?


Stinky Feet from Jersey

Hey Stinky Feet!

What kind of wuss are you, an elf?

Do what I do, and that's pull out my muckbane, and make that pudding have the worst day in it's stinking life!

Oh yeah, then I'd crawl to the nearest cleric for a foot rez.

Then I'd go take my frustration out on some kobolds, chances are they did something anyway, and deserve a good beating.

next caller.

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

<door flings open>

I'm Back for another Ask Shaamis episode!

[biggrin]

I've got my beer-hat with everfull mugs in place, and ready to answer your questions!

I'm also thinking of a theme song(think Spongebob Squarepants)

Who's drunk in a bar called the Leaky Dinghy....
Shaamis Kegtapper!

Callous and Cranky and Funny is he!
Shaamis Kegtapper!

If logical nonsense be something ye wish....
Shaamis Kegtapper!

...then come watch Shaamis drink like a fish!

Shaamis Kegtapper!

everyone ready?

Shaamis Kegtapper!

Shaamis Kegtapper!

Shaamis Kegtapper!

Shaaaaaaaamissssssssss Kegtapperrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

<doot-de-dooty-de-doot-de-doot!>

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

crypticmage said:

Dear Shaamis,

while in a dungeon with a friend, <we saw a gelatinous cube> that had some nice loot., I pushed <my friend>, i mean he ran right into it. what is the best way to get his stuff out of the gelatinous cube so i can sell, i mean give it to his family.

thanks,

greed got the better of me

Wow, that is a good question Greed!

Well, assuming your "friend" perished while giving the cube a "Hug" shall we say, my first question is what kind of wuss's are you going into dungeons with? Elves? well, he probably deserved it....

Anyway.....

Gelatinous cubes are ornery lil runts, and I havent run into any in Stormreach yet, but if I did, this is what I'd do:

Go grab yerself an armload of dead kobolds (you can get 'em anywhere where dead kobolds are sold), and make a "buffet eatin trail" to the barbecue pit in The Seal of Shan to Kor dungeon. Cubes just can't resist the taste of them aged kobold meatsticks! The cube'll be so happy gobbling down dea kobold stiffs, he won't realize he is in the middle of a fire pit! All of a sudden, FWOOSH! Shriveled up Cube!

I have a feelin that your cubie friend might not like what'll be cookin in THAT kitchen! (it'll be him, get it!?!)

But dont forget your spf 4000 fire block lotion, or you might find yourself hairless as an elf yourself! After the cube evaporates, just pluck your buddy's carcass, and all of the rest of the goodies, and pat yourself on the back for a job well done!

Oh yeah, and remind me not to go adventuring in cube-infested areas with you!

Next caller.[cool]

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

Maithu said:

great answers...how about some more questions
1. For the first Half-Orc.... which was the male/female&nbsp; in the relationship the orc or the human?
2. What about for the first Half-Giant?
3. Can you use other elements...such as sodium to make an elemental creature?
4. Why don't casters wash there hands after using a spell with range of "touch"?
5. Why did dwarfs make there Vault of the night in outerspace?
6. How did the do it?
7. Most feared creature beholder? demons? Dragons? or Rust Monsters?
8. Why?
9. D&D skill you wish you could add more ranks to in RL?
10. D&D spell that you would have the most fun with in RL?
11. If you enlarge a dwarf would they be the same height as a human?
12. Most supprising death in the Harry Potter series?
13. Is 13 really unlucky?
14. Can a PC be brought up on war crimes for wipeing out a village of goblins?
15. Do you think Wizards of Coast will ever let Turbine make another game for them?
16. Ohio State or Michigan this weekend?

Welcome back MVP caller! I was getting close to the bottom of my everfull mug, and wondering where the caller with a thousand questions has been....

1.I heard that the Male Half-orc usually forces a human female to mate, but I can only imagine <shudde> when a male human decides a female orc is a good idea. I don't think mating with a female orc was that male humans "plan A". I need another drink after that mental picture <glug>
2. I'd like to think the Half-Giants were magically united, but there just might have been a freaky barbarian or two out there that said"..you know Helga, I always wondered what it would be like to get manhandled by a 20' tall amazon. c'mere you tall fat smelly heifer!......"Once again, I need a drink <glug>
3.why are you asking me questions only a finger-wiggler can answer? Well, this IS the "Ask Shaamis!" (trademark) show, so I'll give it my best...
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AHHHHH...... I guess it's possible. next.
4.well it depends on who or what you are touching. Kobold maybe, Giants, ok, dwarven females, never, but elves.... mages should just wear gloves. touching an elf is like having to wear silk pantaloons, into war. next.
5.far as I know they figgured thieves can't jump that high (especially halfling thieves)
6.Ancient Dwarven secret, Shhhhh!
7. The only creature to put a shiver in Shaamis' drawers had to be elven barbarians. ferocious, strong, good with an axe, that's just not right! it's plain spooky! A tip from Shaamis to all elves: stick to the woods, lace, line-dancing, and arrows. You're good at that, and that's about it. next
8.When Shaamis has seen devils, demons, extra-planer creatures, and undead, and beaten them, they don't scare him. When Shaamis sees unnatural freaks of nature, like beardless dwarven women, halflings NOT stealing something, and Elven Barbarians, that's reason enough to pack up and head home to the Mountains!<br>9.Use Magic Device! or Sleight of hand.....[biggrin]
10. Shapechange! I wanna be a Tarrasque! <poof> rawr!
11. If you enlarge a Dwarf, sure, he'd be a little taller than a human, but, there wouldn't be enough alcohol to keep us satisfied! next thinkg you know, riots, anarchy, and then Armageddon! not to mention all elves would perish as we know it :P
12. What!?!
13. Depends on what the 13 is counting. thirteen elves, yeah, that's bad luck, but thirteen Mugs of Ale for me,[biggrin] that's definately good luck. Oh yeah, and thirteen buxom Dwarven women would be good too!
14. They sure can, if the people wanting to bring them up on warcrimes are elves! elves don't make no sense! It's like a halfling with a dwarven axe! no sense at all!
15. WotC is all about the platinum, all about the bling, isn't that what the kids say now?
16. If Michigan State was 14th level, +20 to all saves, 70 AC, swinging twin +5 wounding-puncturing-paralyzing-disrupting-smiting Rapiers, with power attack, and +80 to-hit with each hand, they would still suck.

Thanks for all of those nimrod questions, who do you think I am? Cleo?[biggrin]

I need another drink.

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ok, next caller[biggrin]

[Shaamis]

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

Litz' said:

I can answer #16..

Oregon Ducks for the win..

Oh, I'm sorry, is this the Shaamis and LITZ show!?!

elves.... Hmmmpph.

<click>

next caller[biggrin]

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

DaoMuck said:

Litz' said:

I can answer #16..

Oregon Ducks for the win..

My heart says Michigan, but my brain is calling my heart an idiot.[sad]

/hijack off

Don't make me go to Super Shaamis lvl 3, and give you a Kamaya-Maya Wave attack![biggrin] trust me, you dont want to see Shaamis with blonde hair...

<click>

<gulp>

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

My eyes![angry]

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

Grull Skullbasher said:

Hi Shaamis here is my questions.

1. Why do dwarves cry when they can't see over the bar?
2. I am still looking for the local dead kolbald dealer, where is it?
3.I am sorry was this your ale? glug glug glug
5. What happened to 4?
6.Hay did u know your feet are not touching the ground while u sit in that
barstool?
7.Oh I am sorry u are crying about the bar sight disablity again, is it ok to
ask u something in alittle bit?
8. It has been an hour why are u still crying?
9. Here may I help? Barkeep 3 mugs of ale on his tab!
10. WOW drarves can smile?

Thanks again shaamis I needed to know

Grull

1. Cuz that Dwarf is a Bleeding heart Liberal elf-lover
2. Kill your own kobolds you liberal!
3. it WAS my ale, after it passed through me, but chug away Bro!
5. A liberal made it run away
6. Hay is for horses, next.
7. I use my pile of dead kobolds to see over the bar thank yopu, where is YOUR pile of dead kobolds?
8. There's a tear in my beer.....sorry did I hear a liberal?
9. WoW Dwarves are wuss's

I need to get a call-screener. anyone wanna volunteer?

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next caller.

Gilgrim said:

Valorian/mike said:

How do you tell a female Dwarf from a male if they both have beards ?

Ooo Ooo Mr. Shaamis I can answer this one! /raising hand

Ahem.../clears throat...

Just look under the beard silly! [mischief]

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

Ret Greenwood said:

Dear Shaamis,

I this gorgeous woman recently joined our adventure party. How do I impress her enough so she'll sleep with me?

Sincerely,
Eager Beaverhunter

Ahh, yes! the fairer gender question!

Let's see....

If she is a dwarf, tell her you would save the last drop of dwarven ale on Eberron for her.[biggrin]

If she is a elf, tell her you would save the last flower on Eberron, so she can eat it if she's hungry, or whatever they do with them...[angry]

If she is a halfling, tell her you would steal the last pocket for her.[mischief]

Then, go in for a kiss. That usually works for me, OR it gets me a swift kick in the "backstab area" if you know what I mean. [biggrin]

That's what I would do.

next caller.

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

Mankin said:

Dear Shaamis

I was recently on my way through Storm Cleave to visit my Dwarven uncle Rocknor Stonefist to invite him to the Winter Moon Festival, he's kind of the recluse of our family taking up residence in an abandoned Owlbear cave there. He's always been the outcast of the family as he's a bit touched in the head from drinking too much ale and falling off the chairs at the Inn. Well to get back to the story. I came upon his cave and witnessed several pieces of armor laying about as though the wearer was on fire and had ripped them from their flesh, although no burn or scorched marks were visible on the armor. I slowly entered the cave very quietly, and to my shock and awe I saw my uncle defiling a female troll. I was taken back, and could barley muffle the gasp from my mouth. I ran as fast as I could back to Storm Reach. A haunting vision that will stay with me for many years to come.

My question is should I go back and invite my uncle to the festival as if nothing has happened and keep this hideous secret to my self? Or go to my family and explain what I had seen, and ask their opinions?

Sincerely Shocked and Awed

Wow, this is serious stuff Shock and Awed!

Are you sure that was your Uncle, it could have been an elf, shapechanged as your Uncle to confuse you. You should have gotten a better look. Also, the armor burned inside out, that sounds like the evil work of drow necromancers, they are always trying to soil the Dwarven honor doing things like this.

One time, I watched a drow elf travel a thousand miles just to try and blame a dwarf for a crime he didn't commit! It's true!

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you never know what those dastardly elves will think up next.

next caller.

[Shaamis]

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

Maithu said:

more questions time
1. Whats a dwarfs favorite thing to kill? koblods? goblins? orcs? fellow party members?
2. Are dwarfs born with beards?
3. What is the legal drinking age for dwarfs? 2? 1?
4. Will Turbine ever put prestige classes into ddo?
5. Will Turbine ever let players visit another city in ddo?
6. Can a Tank sue a rouge for missing a trap?
7. Do all clerics in ddo worship the same god?
8. In mmo's without player housing...where do PC's sleep?
9. Are you glad its Friday?
10. Worst game Shadowbane or DDO?
11. Can you tell I am running out of question today?...must be because its friday
12. If someone hi-jacks a dwarfs thread can the dwarf legally hit him with an axe?
13. If you had to be an evil undead creature what would you prefer Lich or Death Knight?
14. In AoC how many barbarians do you think will be named a variation of Conan?
15. What about Arnold Swarten.....whatever?
16. Stinkiest elf High Elf or Dark elf?

Wow MVP, you are full of questions! do you EVER go outside?[biggrin]

Well, let Shaamis give you the wisdom your god never intended you to have.....

1.Dwarves don't have a favorite person/thing to kill, just a good reason to do it! I guess if they are an elf too, that can help.....
2.Only the really manly dwarves are born with full beards! Mine was full grown when I was born! It's true! ask Mom. (capitalized for fact)
3.Legal drinking time for a dwarf is when he starts breathing! Puts hair on your chin it does! and not elfwine either, but the good dwarven stout!
4.Turbine will put Prestige classes in DDO, when they deem it appropriate. Turbine has shown that they will implement something when it is beneficial to their timetable. next question.
5.Since the game has the word "Stormreach" in it, another main city of operations is unlikely. But another DDO type game, with another city of operations can be possible I suppose.
6. A tank can sue a rogue for anything he wants, as long as he can enforce the penalties of the judgement! The tank should grow eyes on the back of his head too, after getting on the bad side of a good rogue! next question.
7.Until recently, there was no other church available to worship in Stormreach, that the flame/host, but there are others emerging. What do I care, as long as I get healed!?! that's a question an elf WOULD come up with!
8. Well, I always sleep in the taverns, they clean up after me quite well, and watch my back if I tip them handsomely! It's like a boarding house for drunk dwarves!
9. Friday has come and gone, and I only do this gig on M-F. You think I get paid overtime!?! HA!

break time.

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10. Never played Shadowbane, but I heard enough people on DDO talk about it to make me think they left it for a good reason or two. It might not have just kept their interest, or the developers stopped updating it, or it might have had bugs in it since launch, or they didnt add parts in it that should have, or any number of reasons......................
11. I usually fall into an Ale-induced state of drunkeness on fridays as well, don't worry, real life will kick in on monday.
12. Hi-jacking a thread is 100% mental. it's like a tug-o-war for someone attention that you have never met, but still want them to recognize your existence. wow that was deep, even for this drunk dwarf. shut up!

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13. Death Knights and Liches stink! neither! but I'd be a death knight, and pretend to be nice to the lich. then when he wasn't expecting it: Pow! Wow that was a dumb question! next.
14. The amount of variations of the name Conan will be equal to the amount of variations of the name Drizz't, which is a google squared.
15. WHAT!?!
16. ALL elves stink! they stink like flowers dipped in elf sauce. then wrapped in elf skin, tied off with flower-flavored string, and wrapped up with elf-hair. YUK!

Once again, MVP has assualted my sense of decency, with another barrage of insane questions.....

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There, better now. [biggrin]

next caller.

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

Valorian/mike said:

What happens when Trolls and Dwarves mate ?

How do you tell a female Dwarf from a male if they both have beards ?

This is an easy one!

Nothing would happen, Dwarfs and Trolls don't mate! are ye daft!?!

Female Dwarves have wonderfully soft and petite beards, whilst male Dwarves have manly, long, strong beards! It is a fact that a manly beard is not attractive on a female dwarf, but neither is the lack of a beard altogether! However, I heard elven males have a hard time growing ANYTHING manly, let alone a beard! How do you tell the difference between male/female elves? That's a question I have yet to receive![biggrin]

next caller.

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

Litz' said:

Howcome there is no items on a chinese restraunts menu with cheese in it? I'd kill for some Mongolian Beef with Cheese..

I think because they don't like cheese! I am not a fan of cheese, cuz if you eat a lot of cheese AND alcohol, can you imagine the "Stinking Cloud" Spells being generated in Stormreach!?! good gravy!

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burp.

next caller.

Shaamis "Kegtapper" said:

Gilgrim said:

Valorian/mike said:

How do you tell a female Dwarf from a male if they both have beards ?

Ooo Ooo Mr. Shaamis I can answer this one! /raising hand

Ahem.../clears throat...

Just look under the beard silly! [mischief]

If you want to Gilgrim, you can screen some of my callers!

I plan on being syndicated soon, then the plat will be ROLLING in!

[Oreg]

Is this all happening in your head?

[Armathia]

w00t 1st (sorta hehe) Hi Shaamis

After a busy day of FOD n PK I like to go relax w/my companions but I get the ppl that r jealous of my handsomeness n BAM next thing u know I am alone in the bar again. I would like to know of a more 'tolerant' bar in stormreach n a way to curb my killing tendency when I am "off the clock" so to speak.


Can u help?




Thanks,
Killing in Khyber

[Shaamis]

Is this all happening in your head?

First syndicated caller!

Welcome Head!

Nope, it is actual callers like yourself, who have need for any question they have on thier confused little minds, that need an answer by a dwarf that has had way too much to drink!

That was easy, keep 'em coming!

<click>

next caller.

[Shaamis]

w00t 1st (sorta hehe) Hi Shaamis

After a busy day of FOD n PK I like to go relax w/my companions but I get the ppl that r jealous of my handsomeness n BAM next thing u know I am alone in the bar again. I would like to know of a more 'tolerant' bar in stormreach n a way to curb my killing tendency when I am "off the clock" so to speak.


Can u help?




Thanks,
Killing in Khyber

Thanks for calling in Killing!

Sounds like your "finger" has had plenty of exercise, and maybe you should lay it off for a while! Get some other exercises in, like lighning bolt, or fireball....everyone is sick of FoD and PK.

And as far as I can see your pretty hot for an elf! If only you had a beard like a dwarven woman (rawr.)

<click>

next caller!

[cryptic]

Dear Shaamis,

my dwarven barbarian friend and i use to go looting all the time. i like to take my time and disarm traps, but he just wants us to run through them and only tell him of the really bad ones. with being so fed-up, i decided to scout our last job before hand and pull a prank on him. i went throung and olny left the traps that would go off at just above his head, and set one of my own. a trip wire with some undisolvable glue on the other side.

long story short, he has no more facial hair, he knows it was me, and he won't talk to me or even drink the ales i buy him, heck i even offerd to skin a beaver and glue it to his face for him.

What should a halfling do to get his dwarf friend back?

thanks,
unforgiven friend

[Cowdenicus]

Dear Shaamis,

I was taking on the Stormreaver recently and I decided to throw a Dwarven Barbarian at the Reaver. Well let me rephrase that, I did not throw him at the Reaver so much as told the wee little Dwarf that the Stormreaver was the one responsible for the drought of Dwarven Stout in Stormreach.

Needless to say said Dwarf was very unhappy that I tricked him into going against the giant when he found out nothing was wrong with the levels of Dwarven Stout around town.....

Anyways, I met up with him later in the Tavern and I challenged him to a drinking contest to see who the better person was and settle this argument once and for all.

The only condition was we had to go mug for mug.

I brought out the mugs and mine looked a bit larger than his, I explained that he would need every bit of help he could get to compete. He did not find it as funny as I did.

There was a minor enchantment I placed on his mug though that kept his mug at least half full at all times.

Well anyways, I was on my third mug while this silly Dwarf was still nursing his first mug and was starting to feel a slight buzz when I told him his +5 flaming burst greataxe of pure good reminded me of a masterwork handaxe I once found.

At this point things got out of control and he said something about my mum being a troll and my pa being a halfling so I pushed him over off his stool, and proceeded to dump an entire pitcher of Dwarven Stout while he was laying on the floor.

He is one of my favorite dwarves and we were both drunk and I miss my friend. Is there any way I can get him to apologize to me for offending me?

Signed,
Vanash, Wonder Healer of Fernia.

[Shaamis]

Dear Shaamis,

my dwarven barbarian friend and i use to go looting all the time. i like to take my time and disarm traps, but he just wants us to run through them and only tell him of the really bad ones. with being so fed-up, i decided to scout our last job before hand and pull a prank on him. i went throung and olny left the traps that would go off at just above his head, and set one of my own. a trip wire with some undisolvable glue on the other side.

long story short, he has no more facial hair, he knows it was me, and he won't talk to me or even drink the ales i buy him, heck i even offerd to skin a beaver and glue it to his face for him.

What should a halfling do to get his dwarf friend back?

thanks,
unforgiven friend

Thanks for calling Unforgiven!

That was a very nasty trick you played on your dwarven friend. You sound like you are honestly sorry that you don't have your trusty dwarven friend around to protect you, so to make things right, this is what I would do...

I would offer your most sincere apologies, promise no more crazy halfling impulses like this, and let him know that you are a team player. maybe offer to pickpocket some elves, or even make fun of them for him.

Don't worry, his beard will grow back in a week or two, until then you should wait on him hand and foot. If he needs some ale, but him a barrel or two! If you can find him some dwarven women who don't mind the scruff on his chin, bring them too! (heck, even human women might like the baby-like appearance he now has)

The most important thing is, you did something very bad, and you should worship the ground he walks on, until he is back in "fighting" condition.

That's what I would do if I were you.

next caller.

[Shaamis]

Dear Shaamis,

I was taking on the Stormreaver recently and I decided to throw a Dwarven Barbarian at the Reaver. Well let me rephrase that, I did not throw him at the Reaver so much as told the wee little Dwarf that the Stormreaver was the one responsible for the drought of Dwarven Stout in Stormreach.

Needless to say said Dwarf was very unhappy that I tricked him into going against the giant when he found out nothing was wrong with the levels of Dwarven Stout around town.....

Anyways, I met up with him later in the Tavern and I challenged him to a drinking contest to see who the better person was and settle this argument once and for all.

The only condition was we had to go mug for mug.

I brought out the mugs and mine looked a bit larger than his, I explained that he would need every bit of help he could get to compete. He did not find it as funny as I did.

There was a minor enchantment I placed on his mug though that kept his mug at least half full at all times.

Well anyways, I was on my third mug while this silly Dwarf was still nursing his first mug and was starting to feel a slight buzz when I told him his +5 flaming burst greataxe of pure good reminded me of a masterwork handaxe I once found.

At this point things got out of control and he said something about my mum being a troll and my pa being a halfling so I pushed him over off his stool, and proceeded to dump an entire pitcher of Dwarven Stout while he was laying on the floor.

He is one of my favorite dwarves and we were both drunk and I miss my friend. Is there any way I can get him to apologize to me for offending me?

Signed,
Vanash, Wonder Healer of Fernia.

Wow, Vanash <writes down your name for future purposes> that's quite a story of toil and strife!

Are you sure the "dwarven barbarian" you are describing, isn't really a elf barbarian, that forgot to trim his armpit hair? I see that way too often with those elven barbarians....but back to your problem.....

I am sorry to say, you stumbled on the ONE weakness of my dwarven barbarian brothers, and that is the common sense or decency to know when to come out of the rain. A famous dwarven general used to say "to know your enemy, is to defeat your enemy", and you did exactly that.

This should be a lesson to all of you dwarven barbarians out there!. If you are friends with a non-dwarf, NEVER trust them! Not only will they try to make fun of you, but they will even throw you in harms way! Now mind you, a dwarven barbarian worth his salt would use the still-living stormreaver's beard to sponge-bathe (mental picture:ewww), but there are a lot of "amateurs" out there.

Sounds like your dwarven barbarian friend might need to get some friendly tips from a "real" dwarven barbarian, like "Mangler!"

Mangler (Khyber server) is a perfect example of a dwarven barbarian, with the sheer power to break any elf over his knee, and stuff their guts in his pipe, to smoke on 'em. His beard is manly, he drinks ALMOST as much as Shaamis, and never would fall for silly halfling tricks like the one you did (you are a halfling right?elf?)

I hope I helped, but if not....

<gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><g ulp><gulp>
<gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><g ulp><gulp>

oh well.

next caller

[Shaamis]

Valorian/mike said:

In a fight where a dwarf had a spoon as a weapon and there were 50 angry ogres with a mix of bows, swords, axes and even a catapult and the dwarf had his legs tied together who would win ?

Wow, that sounds like you don't like dwarves at all! This sounds like a setup to shame your hapyy fuzzy lil friend Shaamis' dignity but.....

<gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><g ulp><gulp>
BELLLLLLLLLCH...

.....you are about a hundred years to late.

Here is what I would do. A dwarf with his legs tied together is still a weapon of destruction, becuase his head and hands are still free. I'd trip, kick, headbutt, punch, or poke the eyes of the first axe wielder that came at me, grab his axe, cut the rope off of my legs, and start hacking away at everything in sight. After I kill all of them, I'[d use the spoon to go get something to eat.


Valorian/mike said:

What happens when a blind drunk dwarf goes into a tavern full of elves ?

If the elves want trouble, and the bar is out of booze, there better be a lot of clerics around that specialize in taking care of beat-up elves.

Valorian/mike said:

how many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb ?

depends on how high the "light bulb" (???) is. If it's 20 feet high, it'll take one dwarf, and about 20 knocked out elves, and dead kobolds, you know, so he can pile 'em up to get up there.

You know, I don't like to talk about beating up kobolds, halflings and elves, but these callers keep asking me to, terrible it is.

DISCLAIMER: "....This show does not endorse the beating up, and/or killing of any sentient races, unless they are proven in a court of law to deserve such. Never perform vigilante justice...."~~Shaamis "Kegtapper" BloodAxe.

next caller.

[Cowdenicus]

So a Dwarf walks into a bar and all they have to drink there is Elven wine....

What does the dwarf do?

[Borrigain]

Dear Shaamis,

I have a friend who doesn't know what to do. As a long time sorc, at work he's been making that FoD, PK motion for almost a whole year now. Problem is, now he's starting to feel a tingling and numbness in his right hand. I'm afraid he might be starting to develop a repetitive motion disorder. Maybe even carpal tunnel. Now, his services are crucial to the success of many a mission, but he's afraid his Silver Flame health premiums will go up if he goes to the doc. Not to mention being able to afford the co-pays. He's not that rich due to the inflation of Greater Tele and Hero scrolls, and frankly is scared.

I'm wondering, does Stormreach have any kind of Workers' Compensation program? Or a Voc Rehab program?

Any advice would be appreciated,
Concerned in Gianthold.

[Shaamis]

So a Dwarf walks into a bar and all they have to drink there is Elven wine....

What does the dwarf do?

Hello Cowdenicus! Thanks for calling in!

You sound like a Dwarf, why ask such a poofy question?

A dwarf wouldn't even walk into a bar like that! He could smell the flowers a mile away, and with no hint of hops, or barley, he would have figured it was not even worth it to go to the bathroom in, much less fight or drink in!

If I was a vengeful Dwarf, I'd have put the whole place on fire. No need for an alternative drinking establishment like that!

next caller

[Shaamis]

Dear Shaamis,

I have a friend who doesn't know what to do. As a long time sorc, at work he's been making that FoD, PK motion for almost a whole year now. Problem is, now he's starting to feel a tingling and numbness in his right hand. I'm afraid he might be starting to develop a repetitive motion disorder. Maybe even carpal tunnel. Now, his services are crucial to the success of many a mission, but he's afraid his Silver Flame health premiums will go up if he goes to the doc. Not to mention being able to afford the co-pays. He's not that rich due to the inflation of Greater Tele and Hero scrolls, and frankly is scared.

I'm wondering, does Stormreach have any kind of Workers' Compensation program? Or a Voc Rehab program?

Any advice would be appreciated,
Concerned in Gianthold.

Wow, Borrigain, sound like your friend has a problem!

I have heard tales of wizards and sorcs that have become so specialized, this has crippled them for life!

With the talk of no good health care in Stormreach, other than private physicians, the costs dont look liek they are coming down soo.

And with the festivus activity coming soon, I can see many a wiz/sorc spending a lot of rehabilitation for FoD/PK syndrome. Not good!

My only suggestion is to fight fire with fire! Your friend has a commodity, and he should stop giving it away!

Just like clerics magical power, arcanes have it too, and those who need it, will pay for it!. All of a sudden, he os an entrepeneur! making plat hand over fist!

BTW, too much FoD and PK, and your hands SHOULD shrivel up and die. tell him to exercise other arcane spells too. Might as well be a sorceror if he's gonna use just those spells.

Course what do I know! I'm a fighter! HAHA! <gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><g ulp><gulp><gulp>

BELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLCH.

next caller

[Shaamis]

Well HELLo Fellow Stormreach citizens!

Shaamis is here for your holiday festivities!

How is everyone's looting, coin grabbing, and other festivities!?!

I've been hitting every watering hole in all of Xen'drik, looking for the best Dwarven ale to give my elven buddies for Christmas, and trust me, it's been a very thorough taste test!

Looks like everyone is going to get a big casket of "Shaamis' Surly Swill" (c) (tm) this year, if I dont find anything tastier!

I just hope they can handle it, with their sensitive tummies.

[Hiletroy]

Hello Shaamis,

Long-time listener, first time caller.

I felt compelled to call, due to a serious problem a close friend of mine is facing.

I....umm....i mean....uhh....he..uhh.....has a problem. He's a dwarf of the worst kind..he likes to drink, gamble, fight and spend his nights in a general state of debauchery. I am worried about his health. Should I arrange for an intervention? I see all this ending in disaster for him. What should I do?

Also - do you like Spam? (the faux-meat, not the mailbox clogger)

[Shaamis]

Hello Shaamis,

Long-time listener, first time caller.

I felt compelled to call, due to a serious problem a close friend of mine is facing.

I....umm....i mean....uhh....he..uhh.....has a problem. He's a dwarf of the worst kind..he likes to drink, gamble, fight and spend his nights in a general state of debauchery. I am worried about his health. Should I arrange for an intervention? I see all this ending in disaster for him. What should I do?

Also - do you like Spam? (the faux-meat, not the mailbox clogger)

Clang goes the gong!

Hellooooooooooo Hiletroy!

Glad to see ya!

Although frankly, don't undestand your problem.

You say a Dwarf friend of yours likes to gamble, drink, and fight!?! This Dwarf doesn't happen to have a long red hair and a ponytail beard!?! If not, I'd say Shaamis has a twin brother he doesn't know about!

Dwarves were MADE to fight, drink, and occasionally gamble (on a sure thing). Gambling is a nasty habit though, and you should really stop that. That'll kill ya.

But if you are still worried about you-um.........your friend, I suggest you carry one of these!

<flashes a necklace with a blue gem on it> it's the new improved "Cleric Alert!" (c)(tm). For only a few plat a month (plus emergency spell fees)
you can have the assistance of a certified healer, at your fingertips! Just touch the stone, and you will be put in touch with one of their many experienced clerics, just waiting to assist you with Restorations, Heals, and for those really nasty binges, even Ressurections!!

Remember adventurers! Just a few plat per month, can get you 100% clerical security! That's "Cleric Alert!" (c)(tm)

(Disclaimer: "Cleric Alert!" sometimes loses connection when going to other dimensions, or when in orbit. Additional fee is added when receiving calls from outside of Stormreach. Not associated with the House Jorasco Blue Cross/Blue Shield, and additional fees may be assesed if House Jorasco clerics are requested. Cleric Alert! is a registered Trademark. Individual results may vary.)

I have been using Cleric Alert! for months now, and it's great having the piece of mind that when you are so drunk you can't see straight, all you have to do is reach down, touch your Cleric Alert!, and help will be on the way!

That's what I think you should get for you-um......your friend.

<gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><g ulp> Burp. <gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp><gulp>


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